Main cast: Kristen Stewart (Isabella “Bella” Swan), Robert Pattinson (Edward Cullen), Billy Burke (Charlie Swan), Taylor Lautner (Jacob Black), Ashley Greene (Alice Cullen), Jackson Rathbone (Jasper Hale), Chaske Spencer (Sam Uley), Tinsel Korey (Emily), Michael Sheen (Aro), Jamie Campbell Bower (Caius), Christopher Heyerdahl (Marcus), and Peter Facinelli (Dr Carlisle Cullen)
Director: Chris Weitz
This movie demonstrates that there are actually plenty of interesting elements to the setting and the story. This movie is where the Volturi make their appearance, and the vampire law enforcer council is as deliciously campy and nasty like I’d expect them to be. Also, the werewolves get fleshed out a little bit more – heh, I made a pun – and they provide some much needed eye candy in this movie.
Anyway, the story. Bella loves being loved by Edward. Edward loves the idea of loving Bella. But during her birthday party, she cuts herself amidst the Cullen clan and causes plenty of hilarious melodramatic acting to follow as Edward realizes that he must ditch her for her own good. Without a man to adore her, Bella falls apart, uses her friends mercilessly, and toys with poor besotted Jacob Black until Edward comes back again, when she then continues to toy with Jacob even as she has no intention of letting him push his wolf snout into her crotch.
This movie makes some liberal creative changes from the book, but it manages to retain one overriding theme similar to that of the book. Congratulations to Bella Swan, she’s now officially the most irritating hateful bitch to grace both the pages of a book and the big screen. Bella is a merciless user here, treating her friends badly because she’s too busy whining about having nobody to worship her. When Jacob and the werewolves are busting their redolent hairy behinds saving her from Victoria, she’d rather commit suicide because she’s all alone without Edward, oh the misery. Everything is about her. The world is falling apart? Whatever, stop having fun, people! Bella is miserable, so won’t you all stop what you are doing and pay attention to her?
In real life, Bella would be an irritating slapworthy hag, but she’s 18. In real life, any girl who behaves like Bella has somewhat a decent excuse: at her age, she can’t be expected to be wise. But as a lead character in a movie, there is really no reason for Bella to be such a hateful killjoy bitch who treats poor pathetic Jacob like some toy to amuse herself while she’s pining away for Edward. Edward is away for the most of this movie, but when he’s on the screen, he’s the male equivalent of Bella. Both are self-absorbed whiny bitches who can’t stand it when the world stops paying attention to them.
Meanwhile, Charlie remains the worst father in the world. But even at his most stupid, he can’t top Bella. Five people were missing in the woods and there are rumors of big monsters roaming the woods. So what does Bella do? Wander around the woods, wailing and sobbing because Edward isn’t here to worship her. Bella is utterly useless in this movie, and it is very insulting how both Jacob and Edward talk non-stop about having to protect her. In fact, what makes her special even as a human is the fact that she is such a dead personality inside that vampires can’t read her mind or work their magic on her. In other words, Bella is pretty much a block of wood with big breasts. Bella Swan, that bitch, is setting back women by at least sixty years.
The movie seems conflicted about its message. Bella is adamant that Edward fu… er, bites her and turns her into a vampire
before she turns into a hag and nobody wants to worship her anymore because she doesn’t want to grow old. No, it’s not because she’s a shallow vile creature (actually, she is), she just doesn’t want to grow old while Edward remains young beside her. Oh, whatever, she’s a shallow hateful bitch no matter how I look at it. So basically the supposed good girl wants to put out, but every time Edward kisses her, he gets this face like he can’t bear the idea of touching a woman. Let’s wait five years before he bites her! Has anyone taken a peek into Edward’s closet lately?
Meanwhile, Jacob starts burning up and changing into a werewolf, which means that he thereby becomes allergic to a shirt. He spends his time running around with other hunky men, all of them wearing matching dress code of a pair of shorts, as if they had somehow taken a wrong turn and ended up here instead of a David DeCoteau movie. Not that I am complaining. Looking at these hot guys’ chiseled bodies is a pretty good way of easing the pain of having to follow Bella Swan – that bitch – on screen being a stupid hateful bitch. Oh, don’t worry, Edward fans, Robert Pattinson obliges by taking off his shirt later in the movie. Be warned: his right nipple is for some reason much bigger than his left nipple.
The other Cullens are non-existent in this movie apart from Jasper who briefly read my mind and tried to kill Bella and Alice who is the coolest if worst oracle in the world. You know, if Stephenie Meyer hadn’t channeled her personal issues into Bella Swan, we could have ended up with someone cool like Alice as the lead character. Stupid hateful Bella – she ruined everything. Oh, and the Volturi are really fun as they easily steal the movie in the short time they are on screen. Of course, the werewolves are cool by the virtue of their shirtlessness.
But my goodness, the acting in this movie is particularly atrocious from the lead actors. Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson both act like they are plagued by painful hemorrhoids. They are sleeping with each other, but for some reason Ms Stewart has some discernible chemistry with Taylor Lautner when she has none with Mr Pattinson. Maybe it’s because Mr Lautner speaks his lines in this movie without having to make a constipated face. It’s not that Mr Lautner is a good actor, mind you. Let’s just say that he is of the “Let my pecs do the talking!” school of method acting.
The Twilight Saga: New Moon is, as I’ve said, a movie with some very intriguing elements. The mythology behind the vampires and the werewolves is interesting. However, Bella Swan can’t stop being monstrously whiny, stupid, and useless every time she is on the screen, so her very existence negates everything good about this movie. Seriously, Bella Swan can just die. She ruins everything. Jacob and Edward should just kill her and fall in love with each other instead.