Claire Aspiras, $2.99, ISBN 978-1370343843
Fantasy Romance, 2018
I’m not familiar with cLasP up to this point, and since the copyright holder is Claire Aspiras, according to this thing, I can only assume that cLasP is a fancy shorthand for that name. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to say that though. “Clasp” or “see-lass-pee”? Wait, what did I just type… you know what, let’s stick to “clasp”.
Stella Morris is teetering over the abyss, so to speak, because she hasn’t had any response for her college applications, and the thought of begging her SOB stepfather for his support makes her ill. Hmm, why can’t our heroine try out vocational schools or just learn a trade? These days, that can be a more practical and potentially lucrative route than getting a degree in genderqueer rain-dancing, being stuck with a killer loan, and finding herself barely employable by Starbucks or some online “news” site that pays $5 per article.
Then again, this is like asking romance heroines why they must settle for billionaires. It’s the programming, darling—these dearies are wired that way.
Our heroine comes across a babysitting gig, and because this is a romance story, it leads her to true love instead of a starring role as a victim in a torture-and-slasher movie.
It was a job acceptance letter from a certain Mr. Ivano Lombardi to become a baby sitter.
“Wow, his name sounds so yummy. French?”
“Italian, silly!” I corrected.
Yes, that’s right. The most important thing here isn’t that he’s legit and not, say, looking for women to chop up for dinner, but that his name is yummy.
This is a cute wholesome romance, right, judging from the child-like demeanor of the heroine and her friend… holy moly, the first night Stella is at Ivano “Call me Ino” Lombardi’s place, she’s having this graphic sex dream complete with descriptions of just how full he’s packed her down there and just how much goo he’d sprayed all over the place. For a virgin, she sure knows how to work those muscles like a pro in her dreams!
Despite Ino being generally weird and creepy, with him staring at her with nostrils flared and making weird groaning noises now and then, he’s hot and sexy so that’s alright, he’s a catch.
Stella also begins having tamer dreams of Ino in a pained, doomed romance with some woman called Katherine, and I’m pretty sure most folks will have a good idea that this story is all about the woo-woo stuff.
Oh don’t worry, she also dreams of Ino packing Katherine good down there and spraying man goo everywhere too, so it’s still a party 24/7 in her dreams.
There’s also Lancelot… no, not the knight, or at least I think not. He also wants to marry Katherine, and she plays along so that Ino’s life will be spared.
This is where things get super dumb. Any sane person can tell that Katherine is lying just to save him, but Ino immediately starts calling her a skank and a liar in front of everyone, at the same time that Lancelot is accusing Katherine of pretending to want him just to save Ino.
Indeed, even now, Ino still hates Katherine for her “lies”. He’s really not that smart.
He is also very romantic.
“I fucked you. I used your body to forget Katherine’s betrayal. You kind of became my rebound fuck. Every time we meet, I always make sure to take you over and over. I was already feeling insecure and abandoned after Katherine so I tried to forget about it through burying myself into your body. But when you kept on popping and disappearing, I began to frustrate on how to make you stay. I hated reliving the pain of being left behind. And so I started thinking of ways on how to keep you for good. Forever. It’s then I realized I actually fell in love with you. So I built this house.”
Be still, my heart. I’m sure we all envious of Stella and want nothing more than to rip her wig off and sit on Ino’s big oh-oh ourselves after hearing that epic speech.
Really, I don’t know what I’m supposed to see in Ino. I guess the author is going for this alpha male with a big, big prong thing by having that guy dropping F-bombs and acting all “You are mine, so open those legs because I’m coming in!” all the time, but that guy is dumb. He acts like a creep too, and frankly, he is allowed to get away with all this nonsense because he’s conventionally attractive and has a big house.
Maybe I’m just too old or jaded not to buy that hot looks, big dong, and a big house are all one needs in a man for a happily ever after, because I can’t imagine what kind of conversations or loving moments one can have with this imbecile after the sexy times stop being fresh and new.
Warped is probably a little too accurate a title for this story, and I don’t mean that in a nice way, because in the end, a dumb man is not a very attractive kind of romance hero. Who cares how big his pee-pee is or how good he is in bed. In the romance genre, every hero has a fat pee-pee, fatter bank account, and flat stomach, so Ino can take his seat way at the back of the short bus.
