Main cast: Vin Diesel (Dominic Toretto), Michelle Rodriguez (Letty Ortiz), Tyrese Gibson (Roman Pearce), Chris “Ludacris” Bridges (Tej Parker), John Cena (Jakob Toretto), Nathalie Emmanuel (Ramsey), Jordana Brewster (Mia Toretto), Sung Kang (Han Lue), Michael Rooker (Buddy), Thue Ersted Rasmussen (Otto), Helen Mirren (Magdalene “Queenie” Shaw), Kurt Russell (Mr Nobody), and Charlize Theron (Cipher)
Director: Justin Lin

F9 is the tenth installment of the Fast & Furious franchise, so I’m not sure why it’s not called F10. Oh right, officially, it’s the ninth installment, because the universe cannot contain the collective egos of Dwayne Johnson and Vin Diesel, so Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw is probably nuked from the series canon by the order of Vin Diesel. Mind you, almost everyone that has ever appeared on the franchise is here, except for you know who and Luke Evans, the latter probably because he’s too sexy and Mr Diesel gets jealous as a result. Mind you, Paul Walker is taking acting lessons in heaven, but his character makes a cameo appearance of sorts, so in a way, Mr Walker is more alive than Mr Johnson in Mr Diesel’s eyes.

As for this show, well, it’s absurd. It used to be that the XXX franchise is about over the top nonsense and this franchise is about fast cars and faster heist, but since that franchise is pretty much dead, someone has the bright idea of merging the two franchises together so that Mr Diesel can continue his on-screen apotheosis into a superhero.

Yes, now Dominic has an estranged brother, Jakob who is played by China’s biggest supporter after LeBron James, John Cena. There is some dumb back story about Dom blaming Jakob for the death of their father Jack, but come on, we all know Mr Diesel is auditioning for a bro sidekick ever since Paul Walker took a fast car to heaven, and it’s going to be unlikely that Jakob will be a one-movie wonder.

Here, Jakob and Dom are at opposing sides. Set two years after the last movie, the good guys learn that Cipher has escaped. Worse, a villain named Otto is working with Jakob to recruit her and recover Aries, the device that can hack into anything and everything. Hence, Dom and the good guys go out to get as many past characters to put on cameo appearances, and we also learn that Han is alive (Gal Gadot’s character however remains dead, as she has better things to do now) and Han then brings on the rejects from The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift that nobody cares about to be his minions, and we have cars that fly around to take out a helicopter and these guys even go into space.

Is it absurd? Absolutely? Is Mr Diesel morphing more and more into Steven Seagal with his monotone, one-note acting and his insistence on making his character sage and super-capable in a one dimensional manner? Oh yes. Is it hilarious that they let Mia back in and have to make lame excuses to explain by Brian isn’t joining them? Of course.

Still, the movie still has some degree of charm, albeit a stale “I’ve seen this way too many times before” kind. It’s really good to see Han again, and John Cena is certainly more tolerable than Dwayne Johnson in that he plays the tough guy straight without trying way too hard to “represent the brand”. Then again, he is playing another generic action dude, so there’s that. Another nice thing about this movie, if I can call it that, is that it doesn’t keep bleating “family” at me like it’s daring me to play a drinking game and be dead by the one hour point of the movie.

Then again, when the most interesting characters in this movie are Cipher, the villain Otto, Han, and to a much lesser extent John Cena playing John Cena, it’s really a sign that this franchise, and this installment, is stale beyond stale. The best part of this movie is actually Jason Statham’s cameo in the mid-credit scene, which is a sign that the main cast of this franchise has long overstayed their welcome.