Main cast: Dwayne Johnson (Teth-Adam/Black Adam), Aldis Hodge (Carter Hall/Hawkman), Noah Centineo (Albert Rothstein/Atom Smasher), Sarah Shahi (Adrianna Tomaz), Marwan Kenzari (Ishmael), Quintessa Swindell (Maxine Hunkel/Cyclone), Bodhi Sabongui (Amon Tomaz), Mohammed Amer (Karim), James Cusati-Moyer (Samir), and Pierce Brosnan (Kent Nelson/Doctor Fate)
Director: Jaume Collet-Serra

Black Adam is Shazam’s most popular enemy, but the gossip is that once Dwayne Johnson had a hold of this character, he refused to let Black Adam be a part of Shazam’s story. You see, he is the Rock, and never shall he play second fiddle to anyone in anything.

Because at that time his name on the credits still could sell movie tickets, even though that particular hype train hasn’t been checking in at the station for a while now, he held plenty of sway over the tattered remnants of DCEU. His plan was to make Black Adam the centerpiece of the post-Zack Snyder DCEU, with Superman, whose actor was managed at that time by Mr Johnson’s ex, as Black Adam’s main antagonist.

Of course, then Black Adam flopped worse than Mr Johnson’s saggy manboobs during an off-cycle, Warner Bros was then finally sold off, and new cape crap kahuna James Gunn came in and sent both Mr Johnson and Henry Cavill packing because Mr Gunn only lets his friends and lovers and family members be in his shows, and now Mr Johnson is begging people to watch him in that upcoming live remake of Moana.

In other words, Mr Johnson believed that he could stage a coup, only to fall flat on his face and was sent packing with his tail between his legs. Along the way, his refusal to let Black Adam be a proper villain in the Shazam movies meant that that franchise had to flounder around looking for a focus, and he also caused Mr Cavill to be collateral damage.

Is it any wonder that he looks so much like a big scary penis with the tip emerging from what seems like a torn grey condom in this movie?

I suspect that ghastly sight likely scared people away from the cinemas and was the “true reason” why this thing tanked harder than Mr Johnson’s last few movies up to that point did.

Oh, and because Dick Johnson is the Rock, Black Adam’s arc here is how he is a sad misunderstood woobie, who really is manipulated by the big bad here to be seen as the villain, and his arc is that he really just wants to be a hero, which of course he is by the end of this way-too-long movie.

Anyway, this Black Adam fellow, which has nothing much in common with the comic counterpart, is a former slave in 2,600 BC granted powers by the Egyptian gods, blah blah blah, to take down some evil king Ahk-Ton only to lose his son in the process.

Cut to present day. Archaeologist Adrianna Tomaz is looking for some crown belonging to the evil king, and she brings her brother Karim along because a brat is always a good plot device to let the misunderstood grey-coated scary penis guy show off his paternal instincts. She inadvertently awakes Teth-Adam, the scary penis guy’s real name, and he then goes and kills some bad guys.

Now, because Amanda Waller is an idiot, she decides that big scary penis guy is a threat due to his actions, and so she sends a “Justice Society”—I suppose the Justice League is preoccupied with salary dispute or something, so the Wish version will have to do—to apprehend him.

You know, the Justice Society isn’t bad. Aldis Hodge has the charisma and gravity to carry off the role of Hawkman, while Pierce Brosnan is absolutely perfect as Doctor Fate. Oh, what I would do to watch a movie about these two instead! These two characters have a great bromance going on and I’d love to see a reboot where they take center stage in a fun partnership to save the world.

Sadly, there is only room for one star in this movie, so the Justice Society has to play second fiddle and eventually damsels in distress so that the scary penis guy can save the day from the muahahaha-so-evil bad guy and finally sit on some throne as the king of dicks.

So, is the movie bad? Well, yes and no.

The publicity materials all hype Black Adam up as an antihero, but that’s just because he kills some people that conveniently enough are the bad guys. Hence, he’s not an antihero, he’s more like a misunderstood good guy.

Also, the script is way too safe and tame for a central character that is supposed to be an antihero. It all but screams at my face that the scary penis guy will bond with the brat, get the traditional “I give up, I can’t be whatever you want me to be!” defeat moment, and of course the turnaround “I am indeed awesome!” climactic moment in which he saves the day.

This is a familiar story arc of a hero, not an antihero, so there’s a big disconnect here—no doubt one that Mr Johnson will find agreeable because he only plays the hero in everything he’s in once he has the clout to make such a demand.

Even then, the script is on the weak side, with all kinds of convenient coincidences and tired old clichés plopped into the story like some stale gruel that is barely warmed over. Everything about this movie feels done to death many times over already, and the end result is a very generic Cape Crap 101 material.

It may work better had it come out, say, 10 years ago, but today, it’s just another one in a succession of many, many cape craps and it feels so played out by now as a result.

Dwayne Johnson is also badly miscast as Black Adam. He can only bring himself to play the hero within a certain limited range, while this role demands an actor that has the willingness and flexibility to play a more morally ambiguous character. Mr Johnson doesn’t have the dark and seductive magnetism needed to pull of this role. As a result, Black Adam is just a one-note angry penis here.

Anyway, chalk this one up as a forgettable wasted opportunity from DCEU. It’s certainly a hideous regression after The Suicide Squad, so it makes poetic justice that James Gunn is the one to drag Mr Johnson’s proposed “the D in DCEU is for my dick, my biiiiig dick” reboot of the whole DCEU in front of the firing squad and to pull the trigger as well.