MIRA, $6.50, ISBN 1-55166-814-9
Historical Romance, 2001

This review of The Seduction of Ellen can be sung to the tune of Don McLean’s American Pie:

A long, long time ago
Ellen Cornelius still remembers
How men are all rutting, overrated erections
Bearing the stigma of divorce
She now lives in celibate contemplation
With her son, her shrewish Aunt Augusta, and no voice

Augusta wants to live forever
A fearsome thought considering her nature
But Ellen demurs, the good lil’ girl she is
She meets Mr Corey, a medicine peddler
Dirty and shifty, she finds him nifty,
And his mysterious Indian friend Padjan

Padjan knows the secret to magic water
That will help make Augusta live forever
Ellen wants Mr Corey bad
But she ain’t that kind to be had!
She is a lonely wholesome divorcee
Not that French tart who is just so saucy
Whom Corey spends his time examining
Oh look, that tart wears no underwear!

Ellen starts screeching:
Stay away from me, Mr Corey see
My breasts ain’t for your takin’
My lips ain’t for your kissin’
And if you bugger me
With your pulsing, big hardenin’
I swear I’m just really fakin’ it, sir
I swear I’m really just fakin’ it, sir!

They travel to Anasazi village
In a train where Ellen accidentally spread
And Mr Corey, oh,
Mr Corey, he ate her bread
In the waterfalls, and in a cave
Mr Corey just can’t behave
He gives a new meaning to the sayer
“Oy mate, here comes the Jolly Roger!”

Ellen starts screeching:
Stay away from me, Mr Corey see
My breasts ain’t for your takin’
My lips ain’t for your kissin’
And if you bugger me
With your pulsing, big hardenin’
I swear I’m just really fakin’ it, sir
I swear I’m really just fakin’ it, sir!

I’m still fakin’ it!
I’m really fakin’ it!

Stay away from me, Mr Corey see,
No wait, it’s close to the ending
I shouldn’t be packing your sending
Come back here, Mr Corey,
Unwrap my heated lil’ jolly,
This time I’m really not fakin’ it, sir,
This time I’m not fakin’ it – SIR!