Avon, $5.99, ISBN 0-380-78437-9
Horror Erotica, 1996

This book is obsessed with body fluids, and not in a good way. A vampire story that tries to be erotic only to ends up hilariously bad and campy, The Kiss is filled with silly sex, bad lesbian overtones, even worse vampire stuff, and to top it off, the vamp dude is a homophobic dongie. What fun is a homophobic dongie in an erotic vampire novel anyway? Hey, if we have chicks licking each other’s, er, you know, can we have guys licking each other’s you-know also? We are all a democracy here, right? Free for all, drinks, swings, and orgy.

It is set just after Adolf Hitler starts making a nuisance of himself in Germany. Americans Rebecca and Richard flee Berlin only to get lost in the middle of nowhere. They seek shelter in the nice, comfy castle of one Count Alexander Viroslav and his wife Maria. Next thing you know, Maria, Rebecca, and Alex are doing the ménage du silly-sex, and then Maria is raping a chained up Richard and then Maria and Alexander are having sex while floating up in the air and… er, should I go on?

Rebecca isn’t the pristine innocent miss she seems to be, because she is being pursued by an obsessed Nazi, Eric, who wants her bad. Meanwhile, I learn that to only male vampires can sire vampires, and vampires are born when they receive both blood and… er, you know, male fluids at the same time the victim is climaxing. Fun, although I think it sounds rather complicated. I mean, how do you know if she isn’t faking it? Then all that blood and ice cream is definitely going to waste.

For an erotica, The Kiss is funny and it has a rather purplish hue. Highlights include Richard’s rape by Maria, in which a prominent “shiny, fleshy” thing takes the limelight, and Richard’s almost rape by a big, evil, bad vampire (male). Hmm, I think I have a hitherto undiscovered sick fascination for scenarios of helpless males in bondage. I’ll go see the shrink ASAP, I promise. Oh, and before you get your PC dander up, the word “rape” here is loosely used. Richard isn’t that unhappy, I assure you.

Meanwhile, Richard remains a cherry where it counts, dang it, but there are some sillier lesbian kisses between Maria and Rebecca to thrill whoever’s into this sort of thing. They are usually joined by Alexander too, but that sorry vampire dude is just too chicken smelly-stuff to give it to Richard. Come on, forget ménage, I want… er, what’s the word for a foursome? Quadage?

The Kiss is so inane, bad, and hilarious in a way only badly-made porn can be. The ending promises a sequel of sorts though, this time with a new male vampire who, rest assured, isn’t afraid of swinging both ways. I can’t wait.