Roxie Brandon, $0.99, ISBN 978-0463504239
Historical Romance, 2020
Regina Sterling was racing with her fiancé, their horses speeding over thickets and then, he smacked her rear end and they both made this big jump. She got to the other side, he got his neck broken.
Thus ends the heroine’s grand dreams of marrying the man she loves.
Never mind, the guy’s dead anyway. Roxie Brandon’s The Earl’s Sweet Bride will show everyone how easily Regina will move on to the next guy that makes her horny is her destined true love.
Anyway, our heroine ticks off every item on the “Are You a Cliché?” list.
√ Daddy and mommy are in a cold marriage.
√ Mommy keeps nagging that Regina is not like other girls—she’s a hoyden, she reads novels, etc.
√ Yeah, she’s exactly like the other girls in this genre.
When she is caught in a thunderstorm while taking her family carriage out for a ride—without her parents’ knowledge, naturally—she gets stuck trying to save the horse. Fortunately, our hero Edward Ridgeway is there to save her and her horse.
He’s Lord Ridgeway, by the way, so don’t worry, our heroine won’t be marrying a commoner. The very idea, indeed!
Meanwhile, his father has arranged for her to marry one Duke of Langley because he’s tired of this useless sod just spending his money and doing nothing productive with her life a big meanie that doesn’t understand that precious wee heroines need to be coddled at all costs.
Regina is aghast at this act of cruelty.
The Duke was nearly thirty years Regina’s senior, a widower, and had children that were older than Regina.
Regina felt no attraction to him, and therefore, could not entertain the thoughts of being his wife. Being a Duchess didn’t appeal to Regina as it did to other women, but her family was thrilled at the prospect of Regina marrying one of the richest men in England.
See, I told you. She only wants a man that makes her loins itch like she’s having the horniest yeast infection ever.
When Regina was told she had to marry the Duke, the tears did not stop flowing for days.
Wait, is marrying a duke that bad? I suspect that she’s just a drama queen.
Fortunately, Edward makes her horny. Even better, he offers to help her extricate herself from this heinous union with an old man—only a young virile buck is worthy of inspecting the heroine’s bloomers!—by setting up a sham engagement with her.
We all know what happens in the end, don’t we?
I don’t get this one. The author has everything and everyone bend over to accommodate a heroine that does nothing to earn her own happiness.
I’m pretty sure that the author believes that her heroine is the sweetest thing ever, hence the title of this story, but what I see here is the historical romance equivalent of that grossly useless kid that calls her parents meanies on TikTok when they have had enough and threaten to evict her out of their house.
Anyway, there’s nothing sweet about this one. It’s just a bizarre tale of a heroine crying endlessly, doing stupid things, and even putting her life and others at risk, but she’s considered lovable for being like this. The author says Regina is so adorable, but I say someone please get the wretch out from my sight.
