Ladybird Books, £0.75, ISBN 0-7214-0892-3
Fantasy, 1984
Oh, this is silly. Skeletor’s Ice Attack could have been interesting, as it’s essentially a “ship invaded by enemies” story. Doing it right may result in something too scary for kiddies, however, so we all have to make do with… this.
Prince Adam, He-Man’s alter-ego, along with his parents and Teela go on a cruise abroad the Sea Hawk for a holiday. Naturally, Skeletor catches wind of this and asks Mer-Man to capture them all for ransom. Hence, the green scaly one and his minions hatch a plan: they will swim out to surround the ship when everyone onboard is asleep, and kidnap… no, that will be too sensible and straightforward, of course, and we can’t have that. Instead, they use “zero-energy weapons” to shoot at the ship and coat it with ice, trapping it in its place. Oh no, the suspense! If only they had someone on board that could smash through ice with a sneeze…
Wait, He-Man suddenly forgets that he has the strength of an atomic bomb. No, he must get Man-at-Arms to drop by, and together, they will all “harness” some power from the conveniently located nearby volcano to melt the ice. By “harness”, I mean shoot a hole in the volcano and let the lava flow to the ship. Don’t ask, I think gravity and physics work differently in that place—different planet and all, you know. Oh no, the lava is flowing too slowly, and Mer-Man’s people are finally getting off their slimy rear ends to attack. Well, have no fear. Teela can… suddenly command animals now? Okay. She summons some whales that then break apart the ice floe holding Sea Hawk.
The whales then move the separated ice floe towards land so that the people trapped on the ship can get off… oh wait, that’s too straightforward too. No, no, they have to move the separated ice floe to the lava instead! That way, the heated waters will melt the ice and they can continue to their holiday destination, yay. Skeletor screams at Mer-Man, who then finally summons some sea monsters to attack. The result is some thrilling fight between his sea monster minions and the whales and what-not enslaved, er, charmed by Teela, but I am too busy screaming inside. Why didn’t Mer-Man summon those monsters in the first place? Then again, why didn’t he amass an army to attack the ship before he froze it, instead of doing it the other way around like a complete imbecile? No wonder Skeletor is always screaming like he had several angry hedgehogs acting up in his rectum, as I’d probably be the same way if I had to deal with imbeciles all day long.
Also, there is an unfortunate implication here that all warm-blooded creatures are inherently good and cute, while cold-blooded ones are evil and ugly.
On the bright side, there are some nice G-rated beefcake poses from He-Man here, although there is also an unfortunate image of Mer-Man suggesting that he is completely flat in the front of his crotch. To be fair, Mer-Man probably doesn’t need a pee-pee; maybe his kind lay eggs or something.
Anyway, Skeletor’s Ice Attack—wait, shouldn’t the attack be Mer-Man’s?— is an utter waste of time and it is the monster fight at the end that saves the whole thing from one-oogie territory. That doesn’t excuse how this story is just one idiot ball after another, though.
