Jove, $6.99, ISBN 0-515-13263-2
Historical Romance, 2002

Remember that irritating teacher’s pet in class, who keeps correcting everybody else in that smug way that invites you to wipe that smirk off during playground time? (If you are that teacher’s pet, go remember something else.) Lucky you – Isle of Lies feature two of these creatures as main stars. Read this book and relive your childhood insecurities. You will want to be anorexic all over again.

It all begins when Moira Maclean wakes up to find that Ian Cameron has stormed the nunnery where she and the nuns indulge in non-stop lesbian orgies – just kidding, people – where Moira spends her time learning science and all, and tells her that her daddy is dying and daddy wants her to marry Ian for Peace, Love, and Happiness. She agrees. Who cares of checking out his story or anything – Daddy said it, and what daddy says, we beloved romance heroines jump off the cliff to do it.

Not surprisingly, Ian is lying. Daddy storms the nunnery too late – Moira has dutifully offers her 29-year old hymen to Ian’s manly fenestration, and the marriage is now irrevocable. Still, Ian and Daddy reach an agreement and Moira is dumped behind in the nunnery, while Daddy and Ian ride off into the sunset.

I bet any normal woman would be very PO’ed about this. Moira, however, is pretty happy to be left with her science stuff and her secret girlfriend Anne. I tell you, the things these ladies do in their lab with those test tubs that Ms Fletcher never wants you to find out. Yes, I’m kidding about the ladies having fun part.

Then someone wants to kill Moira, and Ian comes to drag Moira from the lesbian orgy lab back to his place. Moira drags Anne along too, and at Ian’s place, they set up another secret lab. Heh.

Meanwhile, Ian and Moira try to mask their real nature by pretending to be heterosexual. Ian and Moira walk around Scotland, correcting everybody. Ian knows everything. Moira knows everything. Both never hesitate to let everybody know it. Moira, however, is the petulant, whiny “me, me, me” type who swears that she will never ever let Ian get close to her with his Bunsen burner. Ian, patient, wise, sage, and condescending, will slowly burns his way through her defenses, and then they will make beautiful happy Dexter the Irritating Kid Genius kiddies.

For a book that doesn’t even take place near an island, unless we consider the whole United Kingdom as an island populated by liars, this story is eye roll material. Moira is annoying, Ian is annoying, the suspense part is pretty much a waste of space and an excuse for a “Help me!” climax, but there’s plenty to mock and make fun of. Of course, lesbian orgies would have helped a lot, but since there’s none of that, I’ll just have to be content with a heh and a few rolls of my eyes upwards.