Main cast: Stephen Dorff (Mike Reilly), Natascha McElhone (Terry Houston), Udo Kier (Polidori), Amelia Curtis (Denise Stone), Jeffrey Combs (Sykes), and Stephen Rea (Alistair Pratt)
Director: William Malone

FeardotCom is about an evil website. No, it’s not about this website. Fear.com is a website that will send demonic forces into visitors and cause them to die of fright 48 hours after visiting the website. The real fear.com is a pretty cool site, at the time of writing, in case you’re wondering, so feel free to check it out.

Since the website is basically one long and huge movie file that will no doubt kill anyone without a fast T1 line connection to the Internet, you’d think the demonic forces will know better and do a HTML-based website instead of that flashturbation site in this movie. How else will they kill poor little Tammy in Mongolia who is surfing on her twenty-bit modem on dial-up? Tammy will die of old age before the website finishes loading.

But I digress. Hollywood and the Internet don’t really go together – yet.

So where were we? Ah yes, this movie is about an evil website. It kills lots of people, and the losers bleed from their noses, prompting health investigator Terry Houston to suspect an Ebola outbreak. But she and detective Mike Reilly soon learn that it’s a more sinister cause behind these deaths. It’s – ta dum dum – an evil website ran by a mad guy!

I burst into hysterical laughter at this point.

This movie is a mess. I mean it. The pace is so slow, only to bunch into an incoherent mess towards the ending in a most “WTF?” way. I don’t think even the actors themselves know what they are doing: Natasha McElhone looks lost pretty much all the time while Stephen Dorff has his “I’m just in this piece of schmoo for my paycheck” look on his face. It’s a pity, because these two do play off each other’s chemistry very well.

Implausible premise is one thing, but an implausible premise and really incoherent editing and pacing only make matters worse. Still, nice cinematography, although somehow I can’t work up the enthusiasm for that either.