Main cast: Eddie Redmayne (Newt Scamander), Jude Law (Albus Dumbledore), Ezra Miller (Credence Barebone), Dan Fogler (Jacob Kowalski), Alison Sudol (Queenie Goldstein), William Nadylam (Yusuf Kama), Callum Turner (Theseus Scamander), Jessica Williams (Eulalie Hicks), Victoria Yeates (Bunty), Poppy Corby-Tuech (Vinda Rosier), Fiona Glascott (Minerva McGonagall), Katherine Waterston (Porpentina Goldstein), and Mads Mikkelsen (Gellert Grindelwald)
Director: David Yates
Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore—what does that even mean? Is Albus Dumbledore’s secrets related to fantastic beasts in some way? Is there a beast in his pants?
Oh right, it’s about the parentage of Credence. Eh, who cares.
Still, that means the title is made up of words thrown together without any rhythm, like a Harlequin series title, just to push out buzzwords that are hoped to draw people into consooming this thing.
I feel that this very lack of proper rhythm and sense explains largely why this series is now floundering. When it started out, the movies appeared to be about Newt Scamander joyously romping with beasts all over the world while solving mysteries related to these creatures. At least, that’s what the first movie seemed to promise. Then, came the darker, adult elements with a perplexing huge shift of focus from Newt to Dumby. Why? Is this because Grindy plays a huge role in the events of that time?
If yes, well, let’s say that a more adult approach is hard to swallow in a movie that also boasts names like Supreme Mugwump yet expects me to take it seriously. Also, why then have a kid-friendly approach for the first movie only to then abruptly pivot to the more heavy-handed adults-friendly approach of the second movie? Did the first movie perform below expectations and they thought a shift of focus to Dumby will get things right?
Then, we have this movie, where Newt can be switched out with any other character and things will still stay mostly the same. Does this franchise even have a direction, or are they making things up as they go along?
Anyway, in this one, Grindy proceeds with his plans for world dominion. He has his minions infiltrate and corrupt various Ministries of Magic so that he can be elected the next Supreme Mugwump, as people everywhere will quake in fear when they hear that Supreme Mugwump Grindelwald is coming, as opposed to bursting out in laughter.
Since only he can deliver the Supreme Rumpwump to Grindy, Dumby gathers a team of six to thwart that fellow. Oh, he can’t do anything much, because Jude Law costs more than they could afford if they wanted him to muss his toupee or get sweaty, and oh yes, the blood pact thing.
Katherine Waterston somehow manages to get her role greatly reduced here (smart, that), so the team will consist of Newt, his imbecile assistant Bunty, his brother Theseus, one idiot teacher from Hogwarts that I’m supposed to be excited about but can’t be arsed to care, the token black guy because diversity, yay, and that clown Jacob. If you tell me that this whole thing is secretly a plan of Dumby and Grindy to promote genetic betterment of magic users by sending the carriers of inferior genes to their deaths, I’d 900% buy that because look at these clowns.
Again, is this kiddie show or an more adult-centric one? Because if this were to be the latter, it’s not working as… just look at these clowns!
Mads Mikkelsen plays Grindelwald with a more earthy, menacing vibe, unlike the previous guy that just chewed scenery, so Grindy here is a far more effective villain. However, his plot is pretty transparent and full of holes. Again, if this had been an adult-centric movie, this isn’t something that would work.
The rest of the movie is just… uninspired, for the want of a better word. The main characters have so much obvious plot armor that it’s hard to feel any suspense while watching this thing. These characters feel more like pieces on a board game rather than people in their own right.
Also, those characters that “betrayed” the good guys in the previous movie effortlessly switch sides again without having to be held accountable, so that’s another nail to the coffin labeled “We tried to adopt a more adult approach to what is supposedly a kid-friendly franchise, and we died because we did that poorly!”.
Quite a chunk of the movie is about pinpointing Credence’s true father, which I suppose is why this movie has the title that it has. Now, let’s see. It can’t be Dumby, definitely, and this movie suddenly introduces Dumby’s brother. Oh my, the suspense is killing me. Who could be Creedy’s daddy?
Seriously, who cares. They will likely recast Ezra Miller, write out that character, or retain that fellow and completely sink the franchise once and for all. Creedy is toast, one way or another, and excuse me if I couldn’t shed a tear over the drama of a bit character in previous movies and his relationship with a guy that is abruptly introduced in this movie for convenient plot wrap-up purposes.
On the bright side, this show is very pretty to look at. Look at all the swirling, shining CGI! It’s a shame that so much money is spent on such a pretty thing with a horribly executed story.
Indeed, the movie is a tonal mess with an obvious, clumsily developed story and too many characters that don’t add anything to the movie aside from body mass. Many plot developments have no to few consequences, great messes are sloppily resolved in a way that is more of a reset than anything else, and to add insult to the injury, there is no chemistry between Grindy and Dumby here. What, they’re in love? They have all the electricity of two broken toasters.
If these people had so much money that they wanted to waste them on more movies in this franchise, I think they are better off just rebooting the whole thing, this time with a clear road map from the start so that the resulting movies will have a coherent, consistent feel to them. Otherwise, they will just end up with various variations of this long, draggy film over and over again.
