Jove, $5.99, ISBN 0-515-13275-6
Historical Romance, 2002

Heroine Clarise:

The medieval English hills are alive with the sound of muzak
With plot devices they have plotted for a thousand times
I fill my heart with inane, thought-free maternal instincts
I have no life, I just wanna heal every freaking critters I find

My heart wants to beat in the tradition of vapid heroines
Because I’ve met my hero
A scary man everyone says has killed everybody he knows
But I know my man is pure and righteous
Because he has a son for me to mother
Everyone knows in romance novels that only the righteous
Are fertile enough to knock up my holy-moly womby!

I go to my hero when he wants some pity shaggy
And I know it’s okay because I’m a virtuous heroine true and worthy
My heart will be blessed even if he steps on me silly
Because I’m a virtuous caregiver!

Hero Christian “Slayer” de la Croix:

Oh-me-why, oh-me-why
Tortured because oh-me-why
Killed my wife when I cut her open
To save mah precious baby

Slept with my son’s fake nanny, oh-me-why
But hey, she’s so hot so oh-me-why

But who cares, she’s still a little bit smarter than the rest
I’m a romance hero, that’s all the excuse I need

Congregation of extras:

Crap ev’ry cliché
Pop in ev’ry pagey
Heroine forced to kill ‘im
But she won’t have the heart to do ‘im

Crap ev’ry cliché
Pop in ev’ry pagey
Make up a heroine
With no personality

Martyrdom is all ye need
All the love you can give
Everyday of your life
For hero and for baby

Crap ev’ry cliché
Pop in ev’ry pagey
Make up a hero
With no personality

A lousy past is all ye need
You don’t even have to say you’re sorry
Everyday of your life
She will understand and understand
(Britney: so hit me baby one more time!)

Crap ev’ry cliché
Pop in ev’ry pagey
Who cares about anythingie
Crappin’ ev’ry cliiiiiiiiiiiiiiichéééééééé!