Main cast: Tobey Maguire (Lou), Alec Baldwin (Butch), Sean Hayes (Mr Tinkle), Michael Clarke Duncan (Sam), Joe Pantoliano (Peek), Susan Sarandon (Ivy), Jeff Goldblum (Prof Brody), Elizabeth Perkins (Mrs Brody), and Alexander Pollock (Scott Brody)
Director: Lawrence Guterman
Dogs of the Universe, we’re fucking suing the humans!
Excuse the profanity, my fellow dogs and doggettes. Again, we are being defamed by the sons-of-our-mothers of Hollywood.
If you have not seen the atrocity that is Cats & Dogs, be grateful. It tells the story of a dumb dog named Lou who is recruited by fellow dumb dogs Butch, Sam, and Peek to be a secret agent. Why? Because Prof Brody, Lou’s master, is working on a great serum that will cure all human’s doggie-allergy. Our enemies, the evil cats led by Mr Tinkle, want the formula and they will go all out to eliminate the Brodys.
Ah, but see, here’s where the movie lies. It’s supposed to portray us dogs as heroes, but what do we end up looking like? A bunch of asslicking, brainless servile thoughtless sons-of-our-mothers who live only to serve mankind. Consider how Lou whines that they should give the formula to Mr Tinkle in exchange for the Brodys because, oh, our bright pup says that the Brody brat is his best friend!
See, it doesn’t matter if that brat treats Lou badly at first. All you need is a ball and we dogs will fall for that love-my-master-bestest crap. It isn’t just Lou, the other dogs in this movie are morons too. The cats are the smart ones. The cats are the ones who have lives separate from their human friends.
Dogs and doggettes, these humans aren’t envisioning a world where dogs and humans live as family. No, they are envisioning a communist society where humans are the rulers and we dogs the farmers living only to amuse the humans. Tell me, is this a movie for dog lovers or for dog slavers?
I haven’t even mentioned the stupid-ass stereotype of the absent-minded professor who criminally neglects his family but it’s all good because he’s, well, a stereotype. Or the stupid, shallow, and annoying human-kid-angst nonsense. The humans are irrelevant to this movie; they have no idea that we, dogs, don’t give a fire-hydrant’s damn.
In summary? We are suing the humans for defamation of characters of doggies everywhere. Let me reiterate this, my fellow dogs, we are friends to humans. But we draw the line at serving humans, and we draw the line at putting humans over our dog buddies. We shall now seek to actively expose these humans as the Nazi Against Canines that they are. See how the final scene where they march the rats off to prison – doesn’t it just remind you of those concentration camps? I tell you, my fellow dogs and doggettes – humans can betray their own revered Mickey Mouse and portray mice as enemies. What’s to stop them for doing the same to dogs? Look at Pluto and Goofy. They’re not dogs whose butt we want to sniff.
Let’s sue! And let’s put our leg up over every car wheel in the Disney car park! We will not stop, my people. We will show them we dogs mean business. Dogs rule, cats drool, and humans are tools.