Spunky Girl Publishing, $0.99
Contemporary Erotica, 2013

Sometimes I wonder why I never chance upon fun things like characters in erotic romances.

Kelsie Madison blew out a tense breath as she sat in a secluded corner of the empty cafeteria and sipped her third cup of bitter vending machine coffee. She’d found a stack of Key Club flyers in the doctor’s lounge, of all places, and had stuffed one of the papers into her purse.

Where can I find such a happening hospital? All the hospitals I end up in only contained old, mostly torn magazines.  The flyer contains the following invitation:

This Christmas Eve make all of your naughty ménage dreams come true. Come and join the Santa Claus Ménage Night festivities at the Key Club.

Looks like someone is getting her booster shots on Christmas!

A Merry Menage Christmas will see Kelsie Madison getting hers from the new doctor in town and his boyfriend. Their names are Ryder and Flynn – totally not porn actor names, not at all. That’s right, people, gay men are secretly gagging for top romance heroine totty, but don’t you dare say this is fetishization, because these days, we are all woke, progressive, inclusive, diverse, whatever – SHOW US WOKE PEOPLE YOUR PEE-PEE, HOMOS, WOO-HOO! Anyway, don’t let me be the one to judge, as I love me the sight of some good old pee-pees regardless of the preferred pronouns of the blokes attached to these pee-pees.

I will judge this story thusly: as an erotica, it is surprisingly flaccid. With a sex club brimming with a Christmas theme, I half expect things like furry trains involving reindeer and horny elves, things people do with candy canes, et cetera, but what I end up with is short, perfunctory, and shockingly lacking in creativity when it comes to positioning, flexibility, and the use of props. Worse, the story starts out with some back story of Kelsie and some other lady, only for the story to pretty much ditch that angle for some boring, conventional tuna sandwich action. Is this thing an excerpt from a much longer story? It sure feels like it. If it isn’t, this one comes off like a “real” story at least for the few first pages before the author gave up on that direction and went for the Christmas hump route instead.

Anyway, as an erotica, this is basically a Baby’s First Threesome thing – it will be nice for someone new to erotica to dip their toes in, but it will likely fumble in turning on the switch of a more hardcore erotica fan. As a romantic story, this one just gives up and offers some lukewarm horny toad action instead. The whole thing is kind of pointless really, even if it sells for only $0.99. Surely folks can buy other hotter stuff out there with the same amount of money!