Main cast: Tom Cruise (David Aames), Penélope Cruz (Sofia Serrano), Kurt Russell (Dr Curtis McCabe), Cameron Diaz (Julie Gianni), Jason Lee (Brian Shelby), Tilda Swinton (Rebecca Dearborn), and Noah Taylor (Edmund Ventura)
Director: Cameron Crowe

Cameron Crowe may want to be hip by adapting Alejandro Amenábar’s Open Your Eyes into English, but seriously, this one is more convoluted that the maze of Crete and the main actors Tom Cruise and Penélope Cruz are on cruise control all the way to snoozedom.

This story is about Tom Cruise, pretending to some Tom Cruise clone named David Aames, who shares one magical and platonic night with his buddy Brian Shelby’s girlfriend. Jason Lee is one fine actor in a severely underwritten role. What’s the matter? What happened?

Anyway, the new catchphrase now is no longer “You complete me” for sentimental losers who will dedicate soppy love messages on the radios (you know who you are, you two million losers who listen to Singapore’s Say It with Music, you). It’s now “That smile’s going to be the end of me.” Altogether now: “That smile’s going to be the end of me.” It will be a step up the English mastery evolutionary chart for the radio lovelorn losers.

Anyway, Sofia, played by Cruise’s Cruz, who also played the same role in that other version, is one woman who definitely knows her shampoo. She displays the acting range of a wooden mannequin, but my, she has perfected the art of tossing her hair back, shampoo commercial model style. She also pouts like the Gorgons of Greek mythology waiting to suck the brains out hapless men out of their nostrils.

Between her look-at-my-hair-not-my-acting pout-me-always range and Mr Cruise’s over-earnest emoting, it’s an excruciating watch.

Cameron Diaz as the psycho scorned lover is, however impressive and stunning. It is difficult to imagine any man turning down the fiery, charismatic, and emotional Julie for the pouty emotionless twig that is Sofia.

There are a lot of love scenes here, but unfortunately, I have to stare at Tom Cruise’s body. It’s nicely sculpted, and alas, as cold to the eye as a block of marble.

I haven’t mentioned any plot, have I? Sorry, it’s just that I don’t know how to without giving away spoilers. Simply put, it’s this: Cruz/Cruise smooch, Julie goes crazy and involves her and Tommy Boy in an accident where she is killed (or is she?) and he is disfigured and ends up in jail for Julie’s murder. Or is he?

There are elements inspired by everything from The Phantom of the Opera to the entire David Lynch’s back catalog. But it all boils down to an incoherent, labyrinthine movie made more tortuous by the plastic acting of Cruise/Cruz, the new Moo and Monotone of Tupperware Acting.