Armada Books, £1.95, ISBN 0-00-692657-6
Fantasy, 1986
Woo-hoo, it’s time for another Grailquest, and in Tomb of Nightmares, you’re once again drawn into Pip’s body by Merlin, because this time, he needs your help. That’s always good news, because it means you’re be drawn into another spiral of madness that will have you screaming in frustration.
What is it, this time, then? Did another dragon rampage across the kingdom? Have vampire kenders found their way to Avalon?
No, not at all. In fact, Merlin swears that this is an easy gig. The wizard Grott the Hoddle owes Merlin money, and he’s not exactly forthcoming in paying the old coot back. Hence, you’re now tasked to go knock on Grott’s door and get the money (50 gold pieces plus interest) for Merlin. Oh, and don’t forget to reread the spell book to refresh your memory on the magic of mass destruction that you have at your disposal!
You have your usual talking sword buddy Excalibur Junior and a list of goodies you can pick your poison from… wait, if it’s a simple gig, why do you need these things again?
Well, Merlin only mentions as he shoos you out the door that Grott is very evil, and likely undead, and… and…
Okay, the cover itself boasts of you needing to find a way to unlock some doors, and this is itself a warning. Too bad it doesn’t come with bright colors or blaring lights, because it is a warning in big capital letters.
Yes, this entire campaign is structured like a maze. If you foolishly ignore the map you are given early on, you can end up taking one of the many options that will only lead you to the dreaded 14. Hilariously, at least in hindsight, you will realize this only after you are led down a happy trail that allows you to engage in more tomfoolery before you finally discover that all routes end at entry number 14.
That’s perfectly fine, though, as you’re too smart to fall for such tricks. Of course you will look at the map and memorize the correct route!
Then you finally end up in the place that gives this campaign its name, and the true terror begins.
It’s possible to stumble upon the optimal route, perhaps, by chance or the more likely possibility of cheating, but the optimal route involves looking for ways to even enter the inner sanctums, then hunting for things through a maze for some items that are necessary for victory, and in the process locate information on what you have to do with those items.
The sole route to the good ending involves going through a few very difficult encounters and incurring unavoidable penalties in the process that only make combat encounters even more fiendish than they already are. You will be tempted along the way to believe that, with the beating you are getting, perhaps you are going the wrong way after all… and so you make a few detours just to be sure, and die each and every time for your folly.
Oh, and you may obtain what seems like a surefire method to beat Grott from the special guest star the Poetic Fiend—of course that darling will show up here, is there any doubt?—but there is no option to use it when you face Grott. Perhaps JH Brennan forgot about it, or maybe the whole thing is just a cruel trolling of you. Getting your hopes up, eh? We can’t have that, so here, get squashed, you bug!
Finally, after looking up the solution online days and weeks of struggling and persevering until you finally sail out triumphant, you realize this whole thing is just a troll quest: Merlin deliberately kept you in the dark and used you to obtain a treasure in Grott’s clutches by feeding you false info, and he actually doesn’t care whether you survive this mission or not.
Ask yourself, fellow adventurer: is it worth it? Is Tomb of Nightmares worth reliving the PTSD you had while trying to solve The Black Pyramid? What do you get out of this, anyway, should you succeed?
Read this like a book, for the usual wacky and cheeky Grailquest humor, yes, but whoever plays it does it at their own peril.
