Peryton Press, $2.99, ISBN 978-1005780319
Sci-fi Romance, 2021

In Skye MacKinnon’s Thorrn, heroine Jenny had recently punted a physically abusive SOB out of her life.

Tall. Muscular. Kind. Sexy. Protective. Intelligent. Able to hold a conversation. Kilt wearer. Six pack. Large dick.

The above is from this list that she has made for the criteria of her next beau. Weird, I don’t see “not a psycho” in there; I’d think someone that had just escaped an abusive relationship would have that as the first thing on her list.

Happy to share the house chores. Able to do DIY and use a power drill.

Sis, after how the last man turned out to be an arm-breaker, maybe the next guy being good at using power drills may not be such a good idea. Just saying.

Also missing is “out of this world”, because she’s soon giving it up to an alien dude, Thorrn. No, not the kind of alien that hails from the current brown-skinned country du jour among the progressives in social media, more like an alien from a different planet.

Thorrn and his pals are here, supposedly to survey the view.

As long as we wore our C-suits, we’d look like the natives and it wouldn’t count as First Contact. They were uncomfortable, especially because we had to keep our lower set of arms pressed against our bodies, but it was the only way to walk among the natives without sticking out as aliens.

Oh dear. Are they insect people or something? 

Perhaps they are siblings of Goro from the Mortal Kombat games?

Actually, they are looking for mates that they can procreate with without creating mutant monsters as a result. The females of their kind… well, they are indisposed.

I felt no sexual attraction to the females trapped in the Sleep who were the only ones still alive.

That’s good, because I’m sure there is something outright distasteful, if not illegal, about trying to knock up women that are in a coma.

Anyway, it’d be hilarious if these mates turned out to be capybaras or hamsters, but sadly, the furry community would have to wait a little longer for their own grand alien romance story.

At any rate, this is the story of aliens sneaking into Earth to impregnate human women that don’t even know aliens are among them, much less realize that these “hunks” are Goro only with more hair on their scalps. How is this not going to spark off a V-scale alien diplomatic crisis?

“I believe so, yes,” Cyle said, staring at the females. “I hope so. Just look at those legs.”

“Their legs? I’m admiring their breasts.”

Ooh, they are horny.

Wait, where are you guys going? Wait, don’t run! These are hot aliens! Focus on the abs and the bulge!

See? Now let’s get back to our seats and wait for our numbers to be called so that we can all file neatly to take our place in the alien breeding farm.

Now, where was I? 

Of course, Jenny thinks it’s so hot that these men have kilts with colors that match their eyes. Then, they kidnap her and she starts screaming.

Jenny had no antennae at all. She wasn’t able to feel that we were mates. Or could she?

Shouldn’t Thorrn think about this before he kidnaps her? He’s quite daft, isn’t he?

So, to summarize this story, we have a domestic abuse survivor that finds love with a four-armed antennae’d alien that:

• Approaches her under false pretenses,
• Kidnaps her,
• Attempts to inject “nanites” to modify her physiology to be more compatible with his dick love, 
• Hauls her bodily around as she screams in pain,
• Injects her with sedatives when she gets too loud and protest-y,

To make things more palatable, the heroine:

• Screams in the third last chapter that she wants to go back to Earth,
• And somehow agrees by the last chapter that she’d rather be with him and she’s never been happier.

Then there is this scene in the final chapter, which, when taken both in and out of context, is horrifying to read considering that the heroine is a domestic abuse survivor:

My lips were swollen, my breath ragged and my skin flushed, and we hadn’t done more than kissing. The first part of the ceremony was over and as beautiful and moving as it had been, I couldn’t wait for the second part. I was quivering with need. My nipples were hard, pressing against the silky fabric of my dress.

“Are you happy?” he asked me suddenly. His eyes bored into me, seeking the truth.

I didn’t have to think. “I couldn’t be happier.”

There are so many red flags all over the place in this story that one would think that the Martians have successfully invaded and taken over the place or something. I may be suitably aghast and clutching my pearls in tightly wound fingers at the whole thing… if I weren’t laughing so hard instead.

Of course, there may be a tinge of madness in my laugh, as a part of me is so taken aback by how the author has the temerity to come up with such a story that maybe something snapped at the back of my mind, like the yellow sign of Hastur is branded into my brain .

Is the author being edgy? Is she trolling? Is this thing secretly written by Nyarlathotep?

Y’AI ‘NG’NGAH, YOG-SOTHOTH H’EE-L’GEB F’AI THRODOG UAAAH
OGTHROD AI’F GEB’L-EE’H YOG-SOTHOTH ‘NGAH’NG AI’Y ZHRO