Main cast: Jason Statham (Frank Martin), Shu Qi (Lai), François Berléand (Tarconi), Ric Young (Kwai) and Matt Schulze (Wall Street)
Director: Corey Yuen

For her: shirtless Jason Statham, beefed-up and bald to give Vin Diesel a run for his money.

For him: Shu Qi, Taiwanese softporn superstar with legs that seem to stretch all the way to infinity.

Plot? Who cares? You care? Then, I can safely tell you, you shouldn’t be watching this movie. It’s written by Luc Besson and his buddy under what circumstances I dare not speculate (the lawyers are always watching, people), it has a villain named Wall Street, and it is directed by Corey Yuen, whom fans of pulp Hong Kong action flicks will recognize as the guy behind some of flashiest fight scenes around. But can he direct? Hey, he’s cheap.

Mr Statham is Frank Martin, an ex-Special Forces guy turned delivery man. With his super-duper car that NASCAR groupies can only drool and have wet dreams over, he will deliver “packages” (you name it, he’ll deliver it for a hefty price) right on time, no earlier, no later. He’s a control freak that way. That is, until one day he finds himself delivering a Chinese refugee Lai to Wall Street (the baddie, not the place) and Wall Street tries to double cross him. Frankie gets the gal, saves the day, and bombs a few houses. Lai screams, screams, screams, and oh yes, Shu Qi, please get some English lessons before you even try and speak another word, because the entire cinema cracks up whenever you open that mouth. I’m not kidding.

Shu Qi’s screaming gets on my nerves after a while, but Jason Statham flashes those power abs and power packs of his and I’m all right with the world again. The Transporter is potent sexy stuff, a great softporn shebang where explosions are planted in lieu of orgasms, with enough eye candy and brainless violence to make up for whatever deficit it has in the plot department (and oh yes, it has plenty of deficits). In fact, who needs porn and all those ugly lech actors when we have Jason Statham on the big screen? I hereby declare “Statham” the official new summer dirty word. Statham-me, baby, statham-me!