Main cast: Clancy Brown (Montgomery Dark), Caitlin Custer (Sam), Christine Kilmer (Emma), Jacob Elordi (Jake), Ema Horvath (Sandra), Barak Hardley (Wendell Owens), Sarah Hay (Carol), Mike C Nelson (Dr Harold Kubler), Jennifer Irvin (Margaret), James Bachman (Ralph Wilkes), Brennan Murray (Connor), and Michael Bow (Todd)
Director: Ryan Spindell
I always have a soft spot for horror anthology movies, which don’t come out often these days unless we count the occasional cringe-fest from Troma. I’ve heard a lot about The Mortuary Collection, and when it is finally available for streaming, I waste little time getting my hands on it.
The basic premise, the framing device if you will, is that there is a mortuary in a town called Raven’s End. It is run by the mysterious, sinister-seeming Montgomery Dark. This fellow has a pretty amusing, somewhat nasty, sense of humor, so he’s exactly my kind of ghoul. While arranging for the cremation of a little boy, he encounters a young lady, Sam, in the building. Sam claims to be here after seeing a “help wanted” sign hanging outside the mortuary. Their exchanges soon evolves into him and Sam exchanging spooky stories. Sam also acts as a placeholder for the viewer, frequently offering criticisms that have been lobbed at shows of this kind for ages.
Now, the stories by themselves aren’t particularly original or inventive. They are pretty much standard “do bad things, get wrecked” stuff that have been done many times in such shows before, and the way retribution or justice is meted out has a “been there, done that” feel to it.
Arguably the most memorable story is that of college jock Jake using “female empowerment” and “down with patriarchy” as means to get himself and his frat bothers laid as much as possible, with him on a quest to deflower as many virgins as he can get his hands on. He gets his when he tangles with the wrong kind of girl. This one is memorable because, one, Jake ends up pregnant with a monster baby, and two, it showcases a gorgeous song, Find Me in the Fall, in an equally gorgeously filmed sequence. I do roll up my eyes a bit at the whole thing, though. Sure, guys and gals catching deadly STDs is a rather overdone premise these days, but there is an unfortunate implication in portraying pregnancy as something hideous, unnatural, and fatal. We are talking a biological process here being treated like a monstrous form of body horror. Is director-cum-screenwriter Ryan Spindell one of those weird people that view procreation as a crime against humanity itself?
On the other hand, Jacob Elordi is quite convincing here as the charming asshole. My opinion of him is admittedly tainted by those awful teen romantic movies he put himself into, but he’s actually quite good here when it comes to comedic timing and swagger. I’ll raise him from rank tier to “discount Ashton Kutcher” tier for now.
Despite the stories here being on the safe and predictable side, the cinematography and the set pieces are gorgeous. Everything about the movie is exquisite, a lovely feast for the eyes indeed. Even the music is atmospheric and on point, with the whole thing capturing the old school 1980s vibe—the golden age of anthology horror movies and TV shows, that’s for sure—while still looking contemporary. The only thing off is the CGI, which looks way too fake and shiny to be scary, but still, this movie is very nice to look at.
As for Clancy Brown, he’s the MVP here. His Montgomery Dark is perfect. Everything about him and his tics feels absolutely right, and I’d love to watch him and the Crypt Keeper have a go at one another in a cage fight.
The Mortuary Collection doesn’t blow me away, but it’s well put together and well acted to serve me with a most enjoyable time. Sure, Halloween’s over, but there’s never the wrong time to catch this entertaining throwback to the days of Creepshow and such.
