Susan Hatler, $0.99, ISBN 978-1516335213
Contemporary Romance, 2015
First off, PSA time: Susan Hatler’s The Delightful Dinner, according to the copyright notice, had been previously published under a different title, An Unexpected Kiss. Nothing is said about this edition being revised or expanded, however, so I guess this is just the same edition with a new title and a gorgeous new cover.
Okay, the story is like this. Our heroine, 29-year old Holly Andrews, is excited because she is going on her first date with Dave, a man that makes her feel the rumbles to mount and procreate for the first time in her life.
“What do you even know about this guy, Holly? He could be an axe murderer and you’re walking right into his clutches.”
“He’s not a criminal, Mom. He’s a web developer.”
She scoffed. “That’s what he says. . . You’re taking separate cars to the restaurant, though, aren’t you? I’ve always told you to never get in the car with a stranger.”
Mom is lucky that I am not Holly, or else someone is heading off to the retirement home soon.
My mom’s words had shaken me, though, and I wondered if I should tamp down on my excitement that Dave could be the perfect guy for me.
Now I understand perfectly why Holly has never met any guy that makes her feel the horny horns growing on her. I’m surprised she even knows what the opposite sex looks like.
The date is awesome. Dave spots an eagle-shaped charm that Holly wears around her neck, hanging just below her collarbone—he must have been examining her chest area closely—and asks her about it.
“I asked for a sign to tell me if I should build my nest here, or go.” I closed my eyes, remembering that moment years ago. “Then a bald eagle suddenly swooped over my head, powerful and amazing. A rush of adrenaline shot through me and I can still see that majestic bird gliding toward its nest with his dark wings spread wide.”
“Incredible,” he whispered.
“So I ignored everyone’s rational arguments and listened to my heart.” I opened my eyes and found Dave sitting alert in his seat, hands folded on the table. I’d never told anyone that story before, but somehow I knew he’d understand. “My dad had told me bald eagles were the epitome of strength and bravery. I totally agree.”
“They’re amazing birds.” Dave’s resolute voice brought me back to the present.
Oh my sides hurt. Oh, I’m sorry, am I not supposed to find this whole unnecessarily melodramatic exchange too hilarious for words?
Then they walk to the lake where they then spend the next 300 pages copulating in every position known to humans and then some. As this is fiction, the author takes creative liberties when it comes to gravity, flexibility, thermodynamics, and acoustics, and it’s awesome how the hero can fit his whole arm up to his elbow deep inside Holly’s eagle nest.
Oh wait, they just hold hands, kiss, and it’s the end. Still, they could have then copulated for the next 300 pages that will forever remain in the author’s hard drive because this is a clean and wholesome story.
The bald eagle should have just pooped on the heroine’s head.
