Leisure, $5.99, ISBN 0-8439-4622-9
Historical Romance, 1999

Oh, I’m so mad about my $5.99 wasted on this laughable medieval romance. And the poor trees cut down for the pages of this book. In fact, this story is as medieval as my brand new toilet bowl cleaner, and as authentic as a Bugs Bunny cartoon set in Medieval Café.

Let’s dispense with the uhm, plot first. Our so-called hero Drake is called “Sir Bastard” because his parents’ marriage can never be proven, so he lets that get shoved up his… uhm, I mean, down his throat. Naturally he’s a sex machine with the ladies. When he tries to elope with Daria of Chirk, he gets discovered and it’s banishment for this sex-mad maniac.

Actually, since Daria isn’t the heroine, she has to be the promiscuous treacherous slut. “Sir Bastard” thinks it’s Daria’s pure, noble Raven (now you know she has to be the heroine) is the tattler and vows to hate all women forever.

Today, “Sir Bastard” is the “Black Knight”, feared by all for his prowess. Daria died and burned in hell, and her widower Waldo (where’s Waldo?) is going to marry Raven.

But Drake wants revenge. So he’s going to seduce Raven – seduce, mind you, not rape, because good guys don’t rape, they just seduce and abandon the woman to her undoubtedly enraged husband. Of course Raven succumbs, the spineless Tweety bird she is, and has a great time too.

Drake abandons her, Raven hits Waldo unconscious and flees, Drake finds Raven, and they bicker. Drake seduces her again, Raven protests, and they boink. Everywhere, anywhere. Oh, and someone is trying to kill them too. But between willowy waists, heaving bosoms, gushing torrents of seeds, flailing of arms in undying ecstasy, and other graphic prose, does anyone actually care about the murderer-to-be?

Did I have fun reading The Black Knight? Well, I’m still stoned from the experience. Let me just say that I have a much more fun time in my last disastrous mIRC online chat.

Big_Boy: u m f

CrankyBroad: Uh, female.

Big_Boy: wan sex

CrankyBroad: No thanks.

Big_Boy: wan sex

CrankyBroad: No.

Big_Boy: sex

CrankyBroad: NO!

Big_Boy: sex 12 inches dik here
sex 12 inches dik here
sex 12 inches dik here
sex 12 inches dik here
sex 12 inches dik here

CrankyBroad: Listen, buster. If I want to have cybersex, which I don’t, I definitely will not have it with an obviously prepubescent brat like you. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE CYBERSEX, you get that? No. No. NO. NO.

Big_Boy: fuk u
fuk u
fuk u
fuk u
fuk u
fuk u
fuk u

CrankyBroad places Big_Boy under ignore.

Let’s just say Drake reminds me of Big_Boy and leave it at that.