Main cast: Robert Downey Jr (Tony Stark/Iron Man), Chris Evans (Steve Rogers/Captain America), Mark Ruffalo (Dr Bruce Banner/Hulk), Chris Hemsworth (Thor), Scarlett Johansson (Natasha Romanoff/Black Widow), Jeremy Renner (Clint Barton/Hawkeye), Tom Hiddleston (Loki), Gwyneth Paltrow (Pepper Potts), and Samuel L Jackson (Nick Fury)
Director: Joss Whedon
Loki: Yes, I’m the bad guy from Thor whose sexy evil presence with a huge dose of Daddy issues won me a legion of fans that draw sexy images of me buggering my useless brother on DeviantArt. I’m back in this movie as the main bad guy, and this time around, I have an awesome magical staff that can, with one touch, get people do my every bidding. Hot or what? But that idiot Joss Whedon, who wrote and directed this movie, decided that my fans should love Iron Man instead so he made me as stupid as a brain-damaged gerbil. Yes, my magical staff can control people, so what do I do? Jab the rear ends of every world leader with it? No, I stick it to that useless Hawkeye, of all people. I may as well frolic with Aquaman for all good that does in getting me to rule the world. Oh, and I get smashed by Hulk, because I haven’t been humiliated enough in this story.
Captain America: Hi, I’m Captain America, the idol of every gun-totting patriotic Americans everywhere. I’m this awesome guy that won in my own movie mostly because every one of my enemies couldn’t aim to save their lives, and now I’m starring as Tony’s bromance buddy. I’m a humble guy so happy to be here, so it’s okay that my costume looks like a cheap get-up created by an impoverished half-blind cosplayer with no taste. Check out that awesome grand confrontation in the climax of the movie where I run all over the place, directing traffic, as Tony takes to the skies and saves the world. I’m so happy to be here. Now, excuse me, I’m going to rub baby oil all over Tony’s body as the poor man is still aching all over from saving the world.
Thor: Thor’s here to… er, well, I’m supposed to be the one most familiar with the villain here, and I have lightning powers and the biggest hammer of them all. But because Tony needs to be the star or he’d pulling a Charlie Sheen on all of us again, I’m here mostly to get slapped around by Hulk and become the butt of the “Hur, hur, dumb blond” jokes around here. And I don’t even get to see my girlfriend, because Pepper got paid the remainder of the money after they spent the rest of it on Tony’s cool armor. Why couldn’t I get a cool armor too?
Black Widow: Hi, do you like my ass? My body in black tights? My pout? My strut? I get to show off my moves by trying to take on Hulk, and that’s the closest you boys get to seeing me in a love scene because, let’s face it, Disney owns all of us now and nobody is having sex with anybody anymore. Oh wait, I also get to poke a stick into the bad guys’ portal or something, so I’m not completely useless after all!
Hawkeye: I’m useless. The enemies ignore me as I shoot arrows as thin as my pee-pee at them. Black Widow is just as useless, but she has the milkshake to bring all the boys to the yard while I’m stuck in a cheap suit designed by the more idiotic brother of the idiot that designed Captain America’s outfit. The only thing big about me is my nose, so I think I will kill myself now.
Hulk: Hulk smash things. That’s all you need to know about Hulk. Hulk coolest by default.
Iron Man: I’m so amazing, it still amazes me why this movie isn’t called Iron Man & His Dirty Dozen. Except, we don’t have a dozen, just a few people in cheap tacky costumes hoping to catch up with me. I save the world, I’m the only one who has my girlfriend in here, and I have the best costume. I don’t know why I put up with these losers. Steve is very good with his hands, though – best rubber of baby oil all over my naked body that I’ve ever had, so maybe I will keep him around for the sequel. I could, you know. I’ve the biggest paycheck, the biggest star power, and did I mention that I saved the world?
