Main cast: Deborah Harry (Betty), Christian Slater (Andy Smith), David Johansen (Halston), William Hickey (Drogan), James Remar (Preston), Rae Dawn Chong (Carola), Matthew Lawrence (Timmy), Robert Sedgwick (Lee Monckton), Steve Buscemi (Edward Bellingham), Julianne Moore (Susan Smith), and Robert Klein (Wyatt)
Director: John Harrison
Released in 1990, Tales from the Darkside: The Movie was generally panned by critics — the fate of most horror movies back in those days, because apparently critics in the ’90s thought horror was beneath them. Shocking behavior from people who probably gave Patch Adams four stars.
Fans of campy horror anthology films, however, know the truth: since the release of the abhorrent Creepshow 3 (may it burn in the fires it deserves), this movie has been generally well-accepted as the spiritual third entry in the Creepshow film franchise.
Helmed by John Harrison, the cast is surprisingly respectable. We’re talking Steve Buscemi, Julianne Moore, Christian Slater, comedian Robert Klein, and William Hickey. These aren’t D-list nobodies desperate for a paycheck; these are actors. Either the people behind this movie had a lot of blackmail material, or they were really that well-liked in the industry. I’m betting on the latter, because the acting in this movie is top-notch.
The wraparound segments revolve around Betty, who appears to be a perfectly lovely suburban lady doing some meal prep. Except the main dish she’s preparing is Timmy, a young boy she plans to cook and serve to her fellow cannibal witches at an upcoming dinner party. Normal suburban mom stuff. Very PTA fundraiser energy. The resourceful Timmy tries to stall for time by telling Betty stories — the classic Scheherazade gambit, but with more impending cannibalism.
The first segment is a faithful adaptation of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s Lot No. 249, adapted by author Michael McDowell. Seriously, there are some big names attached to this production!
Grad student Susan Smith, played by a young Julianne Moore being deliciously evil, led her nerdy classmate Edward Bellingham on romantically until she managed to steal his thesis for her boyfriend Lee, and then the two of them framed Edward so he lost out on a scholarship that went to Lee instead.
When the segment opens, Susan is boasting about her crimes to her brother Andy, who’s friends with Edward and is understandably uncomfortable about the whole “my sister is a sociopath” revelation. Things get more awkward when Edward reanimates his mummy and uses it to murder Susan and Lee in revenge.
The story plays out mostly faithful to Mr Doyle’s original, but with a twist: Andy decides to spare Edward’s life after everything. Edward, however, is not so magnanimous. Whoops.
This is a solid, well-acted segment if you can overlook Christian Slater’s inability to fully mask his accent and the somewhat tacky-looking mummy. It’s a strong start to the anthology, and also a nice reminder of how hot Mr Slater was in his younger days. Woof indeed.
Next up: Stephen King’s The Cat from Hell, from a screenplay by some fellow named George A Romero.
Cranky, old, wheelchair-bound Drogan — played by William Hickey being a magnificent bastard — is the caricature of a Big Pharma CEO from hell. He hires hitman Halston to kill… a black cat that’s been lurking around his mansion.
Why? Because the cat has already “accidentally” killed three people in the house, and Drogan is convinced it’s a demonic entity bent on avenging the lives of cats killed in his company’s animal testing. Naturally, the cat proves to be a far wilier adversary than Halston expected.
This segment will feel familiar to anyone who watched the cockroach segment in the first Creepshow, but Mr Hickey steals the show by playing the ruthless SOB with absolute relish. Just like that other segment, do not eat while watching this segment. Do not bring a date expecting to get lucky later. The ending will destroy your appetite and kill any romantic mood deader than Drogan’s test subjects. You have been warned.
The final segment is Lover’s Vow, based loosely on Japanese folklore but given a modern-day American facelift. The yuki-onna is now a far less romantic gargoyle for some reason. Sure, why not!
Preston (is a struggling artist who blames the world and capitalism when his art doesn’t sell. One night, a gargoyle kills his buddy — to be fair, his buddy shot at it first, so play stupid games, win stupid prizes — and spares Preston’s life on one condition: he must never tell anyone what he’s seen. Preston agrees.
Later, he falls for and marries Carola, and they have a great life with cute kids and Preston’s art career finally takes off. Everything is perfect.
So, of course Preston has to tell her about the gargoyle because some men cannot keep secrets to save their lives. Literally.
This is the weakest segment because it’s the most predictable. Also, the gargoyle looks like it’s constantly puckering its lips for a kiss — you’re reminded of that horny gremlin in Gremlins 2: The New Batch every time it appears, so it has zero chance of being intimidating or scary.
However, there is a solid story here. James Remar and Rae Dawn Chong have genuine chemistry, and there’s a romantic tragedy vibe that actually makes this work despite the silly-looking monster. It’s got heart, even if it’s got rubber suit problems.
All in all, Tales from the Darkside: The Movie is absolutely worth a watch. One could argue it’s even better than Creepshow 2. Hence, it’s a damn shame it never got a proper sequel. Then again, considering the trajectory of the Creepshow franchise, maybe this is for the best.
