Main cast: Evan Daves (Abe), Larry Saperstein (Todd), Jillian Mueller (Chaz), Glenn Stott (Ricky), Robbie Tann (Heavy Metal Jeff), Katelyn Pearce (Lilith), Bill Phillips (Mr Pike), and Peter Reznikoff (Lord Beekman)
Director: Keola Racela
Don’t be fooled, like I did, by the movie poster and the description of the plot into thinking that Porno is some kind of wholesome sexploitation horror flick.
Sure, the premise sounds good. Five Christian cinema employees, led by the owner, the religious Mr Pike that constantly holds prayer circles for them, are left for a few hours before midnight to enjoy their customary Friday’s night tradition: they get to watch any movie of their pick (wholesome ones, of course) once the last movie has been screened and all the customers have left. A break in by what seems like a drug-addled or drunk (maybe both) old man leads to the discovery of a hidden, until now sealed-off wing that houses framed posters of adult films of ages past and a whole room full of film reels and props that will look at home in a cultist’s shrine.
Naturally, it makes sense to watch one of the film reels they find, which is a weird film with a naked woman in what seems like ritual sacrifice. By the time the projectionist Heavy Metal Jeff manages to switch it off, it’s too late. They have inadvertently summoned a succubus and she’s going to have fun with them all.
Now, it takes about one hour for the fun to start, and until then, I am treated to scenes of people wondering around in red-lit hallways and dark rooms while the movie throws pointless jump scares after jump scares at me. This kind of thing suggests, to me, either the people behind this movie have not much money for special or practical effects, so they decide to pad the movie with the cast wandering around in the venue that they have already paid money for, or these people genuinely believe that their script is so full of depths and what not that I will be riveted by the characters’ constant arguments and antics.
Whatever the true reason is, the end result is a boring slough that feels amateurish to the core. This is actually at odds with the cast members, as they are actually doing their best and manage to rise above the usual “can barely act” tier of B-grade movie acting. The guy that plays Heavy Metal Jeff is actually adorable and he steals every scene he is in (and how nice, he’s in many scenes), but like the rest of the movie, his character is wasted and his arc of a believer turned jaded disbeliever goes nowhere.
When the gore does start, it ends as quickly as it starts. I think these people really ran out of money after paying for the rental of the venue. What’s left are more running around and dumb antics before the movie ends on a rushed, inconclusive note. There is no sexy moment, no good scary scene, nothing. The only thing that may make this movie appealing to a certain demographic is that Katelyn Pearce goes full frontal in a few scenes, but those scenes are short compared to the actual movie run time. People looking for that kind of thing may be better off looking for porn on the Web though.
This movie is billed as a comedy horror, but I don’t laugh even once. Is there even any comedy here? I only see stupidity instead of humor. I suppose it may be funny if one’s idea of comedy is man’s junk getting crushed or gnawed off, but again, I’m sure that there are some fetish porn of that nature on the Web that will likely offer greater satisfaction than watching this thing and fast forwarding to the good bits.
Still, I am giving this movie an extra oogie because of one fun moment involving a man’s blown-off testicles. That is the only noteworthy scene in the entire movie, and it’s a well-done squick-inducing one. It’s a bloody damn shame that the rest of the movie never lives up to this scene. Porno is not scary, sexy, or anything else for that matter. Even at its pretty short runtime, it’s a slough to sit through.
