Main cast: Jackson White (Judson Crandall), Forrest Goodluck (Manny), Jack Mulhern (Timmy Baterman), Henry Thomas (Dan Crandall), Natalie Alyn Lind (Norma), Isabella Star LaBlanc (Donna), Pam Grier (Majorie Washburn), and David Duchovny (Bill Baterman)
Director: Lindsey Anderson Beer

It’s pointless to ask who wanted a prequel to Pet Sematary, as I’m sure we all know the answer: creatively bankrupt studio suits that only know how to remake, reboot, or re-extend existing IPs. Desperation must have risen to the levels of the stench of turd on a sweltering hot day when they resort to having a prequel of a horror franchise that has barely shown more pulse than a frog during amateur vivisection day.

So yes, despite Jud Crandall saying that he buried his dog at the Pet Sematary when he was a boy, here he’s completely unaware of the secrets of the cemetery in his Ludlow hometown until he is a teenager and does some research at the usual library that has everything any horror lead character has ever wondered about.

Here, perhaps because the network suits decided that there is still some chances of success in trying to pull a Stranger Things and hit the jackpot, Jud is part of a trio of childhood friends that are reunited when he zooms back into town and everyone parties like it’s 1969…

Wait, it is 1969, so unless we’re to assume that the trauma of his experiences in this movie aged Jud like crazy when he showed up later in the sequel, which is set in 1989, this Jud is way too young. There is no way Jackson White will mutate into Grandpa Herman Munster in under 30 years.

The script of this thing was originally meant for some other horror flick, and it had been hastily retooled for this purpose, am I right?

Anyway, there is no build up or anything. Out of the blue, one of them and his dog start acting all violent and weird, and only folks that have no familiarity with the source material or the two versions of this movie would be in suspense as to the how, why, and what of this story… that is, for five minutes or so because this movie also cannot resist dumping an entire exposition explaining what is happening to the audience shortly after anything mysterious or scary takes place.

Sure, I suppose one can argue that kids these days have the attention span of a goldfish with ADHD due to all the flashy lights and low-IQ stuff they binge on TikTok and other places on a daily basis, but come on, those kids probably won’t have time to watch movies anyway. I doubt they will appreciate the thoughtful gesture made by the people behind this thing.

The director is really incompetent here. Who is she again? Let me look her up… oh wait, she has barely any film credit and she’s going to be “adapting” freaking Bambi for a “modern audience”. Great, she’s another one of those diversity hires that exist only to rack up the studio’s ESG score while stinking up the place with mind-numbing mediocre to awful shows.

Meanwhile, the characters in this thing exist solely for plot, and as a result, all the big names cast in it are completely wasted as they are essentially here for a few-scene glory.

So, what is in this movie?

Well, it boasts the same old tired story elements found in every freaking previous Pet Sematary reboot, sequel, whatever, but with the added stink bombs of lazy and plodding pacing, no suspenseful build-up, plenty of unearned jump scares mostly in the form of annoying loud crashing sounds that just come out of nowhere, and forgettable one-note characters whose names I have a hard time recalling unless I make an effort to look up IMDB or something.

Consequently, this one is more of a bloodless letdown than a bloodline to keep the IP going. Really, just bury this thing deep and pray it gets run over by a truck or something should it reanimate from dead later.