Main cast: Eric Roberts (Dr Malone), Michelle O’Shea (Allison), Emilia Torello (Grace), Joe Herrera (Joaquin), and Garrett Schulte (Adam)
Director: Mario N Bonassin

Well, it’s been a while since I watched a movie with big snake eating everyone on screen, so Megaboa may be the fix I need.

Okay, this is something from The Asylum. Still, how bad can it be… oh wait, is that Eric Roberts? Still, it could be worse, they could have had David Hasselhoff like they did in Anaconda 3: Offspring. Then again, that dreadful thing has an iota of charm to it, which is far more than I can say of this thing.

The story is simple. Dr Malone leads a bunch of his students on a 3-day trip through the rainforest on an island, to study some cave drawings. They eventually encounter big game hunter Joaquin, who claims that he needs their help to get out of the island, as he is the sole survivor of a brush with a big snake.

Well, too bad that the snake is a 50-ft CGI boa that is hungry for humans…

Actually, of course it is hungry. How is there even enough food to support its daily energy and nutritional intake around the place, especially when it is on an island and hence a closed-off ecosystem? Even odder, it spares much of the wildlife and target only humans. Maybe it’s a magical snake, like some kind of protector that eliminates pesky humans that want to despoil nature? Who knows, and to be honest, who cares.

The CGI is pretty bad even for a show of this low budget. At one point, I can see parts of the snake magically go through a poor fellow’s body as it coils around it—maybe it really is a magic snake, heh.

Then, there is apparently bad weather that prevents folks from coming over and flying these people out of the island, but the weather in the island looks fine. The sky looks clear and not a single breeze is seen. Maybe the bad weather is magical too.

Eric Roberts spends much of the movie seated. Supposedly his character has an injured leg, but I suspect it’s probably highest-paid actor privilege to demand not having to exert himself much on a movie that everyone knows is doomed to be crap from the moment of conception.

Here’s the thing: Megaboa isn’t particularly awful, but that’s because absolutely nothing interesting happens throughout to put it in a position of greatness or awfulness. It’s just a film with bad CGI and a bunch of people running around and arguing without any good kills to break the monotony. Maybe this is because the budget is only enough for Eric Roberts’s salary and $200 for everything else, but there is really nothing here to make the movie memorable in a really bad way.

Hence, this movie is consigned to the worst kind of hell: it is so forgettable and boring that there is absolutely no reason for it to exist. No one is going to enjoy this thing sober, and people can’t enjoy it high or drunk either. It’s not dreadful, but it sure is dreadfully boring and hence, pointless in every way.