Main cast: Christine Ann Nyland (Mary), Gaston Alexander (The Lamb), Mark Sears (Pete), May Kelly (Carla), Gillian Broderick (Mona), Harry Boxley (Ray), Danielle Scott (Liz), Charlie Esquer (Shelley), Rob Kirtley (Matt), Lila Lasso (Joan Evans), Rina Cheung (TV News Reporter), and Elliott Eason (Teddy Reed)
Director: Jason Arber
Mary Had a Little Lamb looks like it is brought to life by the folks behind Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey, and sadly, this one is even less of an imaginative horror retelling of a fairy tale compared to the other movie.
There are similarities. Here, it’s yet another fairy tale in which the protagonist is made into a killer, and just like in that other movie, the killer wears an animal mask, this time he dresses up as a lamb. We have people stumbling upon the killer’s hideout and becoming diced mutton.
What? They can’t do something less derivative with all this public domain stuff? We had a movie about cannibal sheep, so come on, it feels like a cop out to fall back on another boring old unimaginative slasher flick.
Anyway, the story. The radio show Carla’s Cold Cases, which sees the host Carla narrating old crime cases and how these cases are solved usually with a paranormal bent, isn’t doing well. The advertisers are pulling out and things may sink unless they have some sensational stuff to reel an audience in.
Hence, Carla decides to bring her crew to do their own investigative reporting on a missing couple last seen in the area around Warp Woods. Of course, the two unlucky sods are shown to be victims of old lady Mary and her Lamb, so the audience isn’t going to kept in suspense about the fate of those two.
When Carla and her crew stumble upon old Mary after getting lost in the dark and winding woods, the old lady seems so nice and welcoming. Well, if they only knew…
Holy cow, Carla is annoying. She’s weepy and indecisive, but at the same time she bosses people around even when she has no clue what she is doing. It’s hard to empathize with her when she’s such a whiny, whinging dolt. The thing is, she’s clearly from the get go designated the final girl, so it’s a long and tedious ride ahead with this wretch.
The rest of the film is bog standard parade of killer in a big house clichés complete with scenes that are trying very hard to remind me of the original The Texas Chain Saw Massacre and the loopy sequel. Well, that is, if those two movies were devoid of good cinematography, decent acting, good pacing, solid atmosphere, and actual halfway decent lighting.
That’s right, a big part of the movie is so dark that I can barely see what is happening. I’m still not sure if that is just the people behind the lighting had been trying to be kind to viewers or they are just incompetent in general.
One good example of these people not really knowing what they are doing is the ending, which has a car driving down the road. It’s going down the road… still going… and still going…
I am expecting some kind of twist from the way the camera is lingering on the car, but no, after a while the credits begin to roll. Why then focus on that dumb car for so long?
Anyway, there’s nothing of note in this one. No likable characters to root for, no compelling killer to cheer on, no great kills or gore, nothing.
It’s just a by the numbers flick from people that are probably treating their audience as guinea pigs while they try to get a hang of this mysterious thing called film-making.
