Stella Eromonsere-Ajanaku, $1.99, ISBN 978-1533778567
Contemporary Romance, 2016

Every year, a week before Christmas, single folks of Barrow-in-Furness will participate in the in the Love at Christmas Couples-to-be Party.

Every year, a week before Christmas, children, aged between ten and twelve had the responsibility of pairing up single men and women who had signed up for the contest. Once the couples were paired up, they had to engage in a week-long speed dating activity.

Wait, why are we involving children in sad and lonely single people’s Christmas debauchery?

It turns out that these kids act as emcees and pass a box around, from which the contestants will pick out a card. Whichever female contestant that gets the sole card with the gold star will get to choose the bachelor that catches her eye, while everyone else will have to settle for leftovers.

By the way, I’m confused. Is it really speed dating when you’re seeing the same person for a week?

Our heroine Emem Etim really, really wants to date Kerr Richards. However, for some reason she can’t ask him out or send him some nude pics on their favorite hook-up app, so she’s banking all her hopes on getting the card with the gold star.

Oops, someone else gets it, so of course that floozy picks Kerr. Etim instead has to settle for the super hot Runo Edewor, a stranger in town.

I’m not sure why these people are letting strangers take part in a local hook-up contest. Have they tested him for STDs? The joke’s on them if he ended up spreading some horror movie STDs to everyone in town, ho ho ho, Merry Christmas everyone.

For Emem, this development is a disaster because she doesn’t know Runo. Mind you, she has a pattern of dating men from outside of town, so these kids probably think that they are just doing her a favor, but no, this is awful.

Fate is cruel, Emem snapped in her head.

The rest of the story sees Emem being a rude and judgmental snot-faced brat, until she realizes that Runo is that guy that will take all her crap, smile, and still has the biggest horny horn for her, so yay, it’s a perfect match. She now has a perfect guy that will put up with her nonsense, forever and ever, so yes, it’s a happily ever after.

Love at Christmas is a story that doesn’t need to happen had the heroine just opened her mouth and said eff me now to the guy she wants from the get go. Then again, had Kerr said yes, he’d have a thoroughly castrating Christmas hook-up experience and that wouldn’t be very nice for that poor guy.

Still, I have to give my two thumbs up to a English town that goes all out to give every single person in the place a chance to hook up and share post-Christmas remorse together, and they even involve the children as well in picking which pee-pee will go into which hoo-hoo. Now that’s what I call a progressive society!

Too bad I can’t give the thumbs up to the rest of this story. Had this thing been one giant hook-up app, this is me, swiping left immediately.