Main cast: Arielle Raycene (Audra Bucklebee), Ellie Gonsalves (Missy Becks), Dani Mathers (Haley Bucklebee-Saint), Monica Sims (Reese Knox), Amberleigh West (Autumn Applebaum), Skyler Seymour (Devon Bruce), and Kane Hodder (Goatface)
Director: Steve Wolsh

Don’t fooled by the predominantly female cast into thinking that Kill Her Goats is some strong woman taking down the masked killer thing. We’re talking about Steve Wolsh here. That’s right, the ladies are cast for their willingness to do topless nudity, and the ending credit reel is more like a “top of the toplessness” sequence.

You know, it’s almost reassuring that a movie like this can still be made in the current year!

Anyway, this opening reel tells me that this film is “an accurate depiction” of the brutal slayings by this masked killer (what else will it be?), which I certainly hope is not true. Just imagine: all the vapid people and their vapid conversations… all true? No wonder the killer Goatface is needed in that part of the world.

As it always is, we have some people visiting a cottage home where the phones don’t work, et cetera. Poor Audra Bucklebee inherits a cottage home in Cape Cod, and little does she know that the place is plagued by goats of both the animal and homicidal human kind. Also there are her childhood bestie Missy Becks, her ex Devon Bruce, and his current girlfriend Autumn Applebaum.

Thank goodness the movie has these characters’ names displayed in their introduction scenes, or else I can’t tell the naked bosoms apart.

Okay, the best things first: the practical effects are awesome. The gore is super over the top and graphic, as it should be because heaven knows there isn’t much else redeeming value about this movie.

Unfortunately, probably because good practical effects can be expensive, there aren’t as many gory goop moments here.

Still, Mr Wolsh has a good way to keep the audience in their seats: the ladies clearly do not have anti-nudity clause in their contracts, and topless is the uniform of these ladies most of the time. Seriously, one lady even wanders out into the night without her top on.

The acting is abysmal, and Kane Hodder does his usual thing for a paycheck and maybe an opportunity to be surrounded by topless women. The movie also tries to go down the humor route to compensate for the cringe-inducing dialogues flying all over the time, but it isn’t fooling anyone.

This is where I would freely admit to my bias when it comes to the final rating of this film.

Had it been hot male actors running around in thongs and getting gutted while thrusting their packages and cakes to the camera, I’m easy and I will forgive this thing of all its shortcomings. I’m not into the kind of nudity in full display here, so alas, there’s really not much here for me to enjoy.

So, watch this one if you’re into female nudity, because that’s the only goodies you’ll find in abundance here. Sadly, I’ll have to keep looking for its counterpart that splashes male nudity all over the screen…