Main cast: Joe Manganiello (Coulthard), Christian Serratos (Harper), Jai Courtney (Spencer), Noshir Dalal (Beaumont), Stanton Lee (Dilman), and Jeff Schine (Gladstone)
Director: Jerome Chen

Looking at the title of this episode—In Vaulted Halls Entombed—I correctly pegged this one to be about some Elder God or Great Old One trapped somewhere.

This show has been pretty good when it comes to all things Cthulhu and friends, so I’m looking forward to it, only to be disappointed.

Delta Zero Three is on mission to retrieve a hostage from some terrorists or something. It doesn’t matter, as the terrorists and the hostage run into a cave, and our soldiers discover them shortly after, only skeletons as somehow their flesh have been completely gone in the short time since the soldiers last saw them. What happened?

Well, they find the answer soon enough: creepy alien-ish spiders that eat everything and everyone on their paths. Well, except for the sole lady, Harper, because in present day, vaginas are the new plot armor.

Then she and two other guys discover the friendly fellow trapped in a prison…

Aside from the eye-rolling obvious plot armor of Harper, this episode is pretty unremarkable. It’s a boring kind of Lovecraft-ian horror, utilizing the popular tropes in the genre but never really doing anything interesting with them. There is a generic and even mass-manufactured feel to the whole thing, right down to the predictable ending scene.

For example, the spiders were much more scary when they were scarabs in The Mummy. Just saying.

Meanwhile, the kills are quite boring, and really, I feel that most of this episode has been done before in more imaginative ways by other movies and stories in the past.

That’s not to say that the episode is bad. It’s just boring and forgettable in ways that cosmic horror should never be. That’s its biggest crime: cosmic horror should never be boring!