Elizabeth Lynx, $2.99, ISBN 978-1393308751
Contemporary Romance, 2019
Willa Jones is easily one of the most annoying “Pick me! Pick me! Look at me-ee-ee!” leaking tailpipes I’ve come across in a while, and how fortunate for me, she is the heroine of Elizabeth Lynx’s Idol.
Everything about Willa is calculated to be over the top in what the author hopes to be a quirky kind of sassy. Our heroine has a long history of never getting along well with her employers and anyone else that is supposed to corral her in some way, and she is often dumped, ditched, and fired because of this.
When she is most recently fired because she called her employer all kinds of names just because he is a conspiracy theorist, she acts like it is so wrong for her to be fired because… I don’t know, she has a huge sense of entitlement and none of the brain cells necessary to warrant being such a nitwit?
So, in retaliation to being fired, she wants to drag her friends along with her so that she can vandalize a posh car and yay, maybe get her friends arrested too in the process.
Oh, and Willa really doesn’t like her job anyway. She wants to be a singer, but oh no, she’s afraid of singing in front of strangers, how quirky!
The owner of the car is our hero, whom Willa describes as her personal wet dream: famous rock star Hunter Six, whom she fails to recognize at first because he is now sporting long hair.
You know, it’s the 21st century. Is rock music even hot among these kids that are presumably in their twenties in this kind of stories? I’d think they’d be more into whatever it is that was in vogue in the last decade, and I’m pretty sure rock music isn’t it. Maybe Maroon 5, although I personally hadn’t met a fan of theirs that is under 40?
Anyway, whenever I see an author writing about a “famous rock star hero”, fairly or not I immediately have them pegged as someone at the very least 60 years old.
So, Hunter is a world famous rock star in the present. I’ll roll with that. I mean, maybe he’s really famous because of a sex tape or for being one of Taylor Swift’s many ex-boyfriends, who knows.
It’s hard to roll with Willa, though, because she has the maturity of a pebble by the roadside that has been defecated upon by a passing cow.
Which I did, but only because he was a rich, spoiled little brat. I mean, he had to be, right? He drove a Maserati for fuck’s sake.
All rich people were assholes from my experience. Except for Emmie. But she grew up poor, so that’s different.
Wow, that’s deep of her. She has the hots for a guy she claims to be everything she despises, though, so the joke is on her.
The rest of the story plays out like the wish fulfillment fantasy of a bitter fan that knows they are never going to have their favorite rock star coming over to marry them.
Our hero is immediately besotted, of course, and par for the course, he is the most boring “rock star” ever with nary a hint of raw sexuality, addiction issues, and other sleazy, dirty stuff that truly embodies what makes a genuine rock star so hot, sexy, punk. Hunter is just a Ken doll in the most basic rock star getup ever.
There is of course that evil ho that ends up being put away so that our heroine, now being even more adorable and lovable next to those whores, is now certifiably the one for Hunter. Let this be a cautionary tales to rock stars everywhere. Stay away from those disgusting sex-loving groupies! They should marry their greatest fan instead!
Really though, had this been well-written fan fiction, these things may not be so bad, just played out. The key word here is “well-written”.
The author’s narrative style isn’t bad, but her characters talk like how an adult would envision after a long binge on Adult Swim shows and decide, hey, this is it, this is how young adults talk in real life. With the guys, it’s all “bro” this, “bro” that, and it’s all cringe from start to finish.
Meanwhile, the author allows the heroine to completely run wild like a colossal immature brat that has no issues being rude and snide to all and sundry, because our heroine is oh so sassy and girlboss like that, while demonstrating the maturity and intelligence of a Muppet villain. She also speaks like an early teen that has just discovered social media lingo.
Seriously, Willa is insufferable through and through, with everything she says and does being so calculated to draw attention to her as much as possible in the most over the top eat dung and die way—the ultimate “Pick me! PICK ME! I’M SPECIAL!” girl indeed—and all I want to do is to push her down a long flight of stairs and laugh as her head hits every step hard on the way down. I’d rather undergo surgery without anesthesia than to endure another story chapter with her in the lead role.
On the bright side, there are many authors that write stories with heroines like Willa over and over and amassed many, many fans in the process, so perhaps those fans will like this one far better. See? I can end a review on an inspirational high note!
