Main cast: Christopher Lambert (Connor MacLeod), Adrian Paul (Duncan MacLeod), Bruce Payne (Jacob Kell), Donnie Yen (Jin Kie), and Lisa Barbuscia (Faith/Kate)
Director: Douglas Aarniokoski

Good grief, what have I done to deserve this? Watching Highlander: Endgame ranks up there an experience with Mortal Kombat II as a horrible chapter in my movie-watching experience. It may have Adrian Paul and his pain-filled eyes in it, but with acting (I’m using this term loosely), plot (ditto), and dialogues (double ditto) right out of Script Reject Hell, this movie is too stinky to be campy fun. It’s so painful that halfway through this drivel I find myself hoping I would pass out so as to spare me the experience. And like watching a train wreck, I can’t stop myself from watching, if only to see how even more putrefying it can be.

The plot? I think it’s about Jacob Kell the bad immortal wanting to kill all other immortals so that he can be king. Or something like that. Duncan and Connor join forces to whip his ass. Meanwhile, there is some girl trouble on Duncan’s side that is more than meet the eye (read: it’s more stupid than it seems).

But forget the plot. Oh, the dialogues! “Life brings hope and pain… but revenge never brings redemption!” is a brilliant example of the poetic speech from the fountain of wisdom that is Connor, played by Christopher Lambert like Confucius on cannabis. Adrian Paul walks around looking as if there is a stick shoved up his sensitive nether orifice. Maybe it’s just the bad tripe he is made to mouth. Add in really bad special effects and I get a headache. The disjointed flashbacks (Connor and Duncan bonding!) and present scenes have the coherency of a group of drunk chimpanzees trying to do the beeline, and the final climatic scene has me going, “Please, a meteor! An Armageddon to end it all!”