SNYL
Pop, 2019 (Reissue)

One of the problems of having prepubescents in the house back around 1989 was these kids’ gravitation to certain boybands like New Kids on the Block. This one is Maurice Starr’s greatest creation after New Edition, and I could still shudder at the memories of Hangin’ Tough being played on a loop in the house. There was no respite even on the road, as guess which tape the kids would insist on playing during the journey.

Now, I have no issues about boybands in general, given my own checkered past that is dotted with embarrassing infatuations with various acts. However, my instinctive sense of revulsion when it comes to NKOTB, as they would call themselves when they become self-conscious about their age and the name they were saddled with, all comes from two sources: the unbearable, non-ironic cheese of the music and horrible falsetto of Jordan Knight.

However, it’s been ages since I last heard the songs from this album, so when they reissued this album to commemorate its 30th anniversary along with three new songs, some remixes that I don’r care about, and “rare photos” that I definitely don’t give a crap about, I thought hey, why not, let’s give this a try to figure out whether they were as horrible as I remembered.

Well, maybe it’s just me mellowing with age, but I no longer feel like my skin is about to tear itself from my body and flee whenever Mr Knight does that hideous falsetto of his. However, it’s still terrible, as there is something forced and unnatural about the pitch. Hence, songs like I’ll Be Loving You (Forever) and Please Don’t Go Girl are indigestible where I am concerned. It’s like milk is curdling within every pore of my body as I hear that.

Also, it’s cringe-inducing how cheesy the songs are. They are written by cynical old men to be performed by young men that give the impression that they have no working genitalia, the better to appear sexually non-threatening to prepubescent girls. For the risk-takers out there, I suggest a drinking game each time the words “girl” and “baby” are sung here, because such a game will indeed be a close brush with death.

However, it’s not so bad. The title track is as cheesy as they come, but there is a quaint “little boys pretending to be gangsta” vibe to it that is free from the mawkish and nauseating saccharine that makes the rest of this album a pretty dire listening experience. Also, the worst lyrics ever can be found in Cover Girl.

I get up in the morning and I see your face, girl
You’re looking so good, everything’s in place
Don’t you know I could never leave your side girl
Won’t you stay here with me and be my bride?

However, the song itself has a pretty solid hook and chorus. There is something very Baby’s First Billy Ocean about it that gives it a bit more character than most of the other crap love songs in this album.

As for the three new songs, 80s Baby banks on nostalgia with guest vocals from Salt-N-Pepa, Debbie Gibson, Naughty by Nature, and Tiffany, but it feels strangely subdued and lifeless. The Way is another sleepy R&B-infused song that could have been a weak track from anyone’s album.

However, Boys on the Band (Boy Band Anthem) stands out among the weak new tracks as an eyebrow-raising what-it-says-in-the-title tune that attempts to frame the phenomenon of boybands as every hormonal female girl’s rite of passage, and the fact that these men, now in their fifties mind you, are still around is due to the “dedication” of their fans.

You can hear them going crazy
In stadiums in every nation
A never-ending celebration baby
That’s how we show our dedication

I sincerely doubt New Kids on the Block are filling stadiums in every nation these days, but this perplexingly sedate “anthem” feels more like an effort by these middle-aged men to justify their continuous existence instead of just admitting that they need some money to pay the bills and real life job isn’t cutting it. Perhaps they crave the limelight still, despite having reached their expiry date decades ago, and they are hoping that they can still regain the dopamine high, the adulation, and all the perks that come with being famous. The song is pretty average, like a geriatric version of the title track, and its listing off of boybands—with only BTS as the currently relevant boyband ticked off in the list—feels like a rather pathetic cry for relevancy.

The problem with these guys is that they are put together to ooze cheese. The songs they sing never mattered, as they were manufactured to highlight the dancing and to sell merchandises with their faces on them. Boybands that emphasize vocals usually have an easier time moving with age, while those like New Kids on the Block are stuck once they age out of their demographics and younger, equally interchangeable replacements come along. True, New Kids on the Block was a phenomenon when they were at the peak of their fame, but it’s hard to say that the world is a darker place now that nobody cares about them anymore.

Anyway, Hangin’ Tough (30th Anniversary Edition) is a pretty dire reminder of the ultimate cringe that was New Kids on the Block during their peak famous days, and the cheese in their music doesn’t age well due to the forgettable, manufactured-by-numbers nature of these songs. That and the lads honestly aren’t that good when it comes to vocals, sadly. Once they start to look like their target audience’s awkward uncle in a backward baseball cap, the dream is over. Judging from how the world shrugs and continues to move on past these guys’ effort to be in the limelight again, I think that dream isn’t coming back anytime soon.