Main cast: Marco Leonardi (Johnny Madrid), Michael Parks (Ambrose Bierce), Rebecca Gayheart (Mary Newlie), Ara Celi (Esmeralda), Lennie Loftin (John Newlie), Orlando Jones (Ezra Traylor), Danny Trejo (Razor Charlie), Jordana Spiro (Reece), Kevin Smith (Joaquin), Temuera Morrison (The Hangman), and Sonia Braga (Quixtla)
Director: PJ Pesce
From Dusk Till Dawn 3: The Hangman’s Daughter is such a terrible movie that I’m surprised at some of the names attached to it. Okay, Danny Trejo will be in anything as long as there is a paycheck, and some of these biggish names aren’t exactly spoiled for choices when it comes to movie roles, but still, this thing is way below their pay grade.
I can only guess that they thought they would be in a Quentin Tarantino production, only to realize too late that it’s likely something made on the cheap so that the studio can hold on to the IP and, oops, it’s too late to pull out of their contract.
Incidentally, the Kevin Smith in this one isn’t that sell-out loser that spends all his time complaining about things that he used to champion and promote. That is perhaps the sole good thing about this putrid little turd.
It’s supposed to be an origins film about Satanico Pandemonium, and since the title says it’s about the hangman’s daughter, and this daughter is Esmeralda, it’s a no-brainer that this lady is going to end up as that Satanico Pandemonium.
Ara Celi is gorgeous, but alas, she is no Salma Hayek and she also doesn’t exude any seductive allure to suggest that she has that inner demon lurking inside her that is waiting to be unleashed. She also doesn’t have any memorable dance scene either, so I hope people wanting to watch this thing will adjust their expectations accordingly.
Basically, Esmeralda is raised by her father and she never knows that her father had shagged a vampire in the past to have her. Daddy Dearest is a mean and abusive dad, although this doesn’t break her spirits as she spends much of this movie acting like a nag.
She first encounters bandit Johnny Madrid when her father is about to have him hanged and she decides to make a fuss because, somehow, hanging is bad so her father should let Johnny go?
In the ensuing chaos, Johnny and his gang take her along—she is most willing to go along with them—and they bump into Reece, an annoying brat that wants so badly to be a bandit like Johnny.
Oh, and Mr Hangman gets a posse of useless soldiers to go after them.
Meanwhile, the revolutionary Ambrose Bierce encounters newlyweds John and Mary Newlie, who also happen to be missionaries, and he proceeds to insult and disparage them because he’s really insufferable like that.
All of them eventually stumble onto that club in the middle of nowhere, run by Quixtla that conveniently happens to be Esmeralda’s vampire mommy. Yes, the staff are vampires, the usual, because this movie is a replica of the first movie, only in a historical setting with all semblance of wit and intelligence drained out like the people behind this thing are the real vampires.
Oh my god, where do I begin?
Every character is a pain to follow because they are all obnoxious and stupid. All of them are either so dumb or self-absorbed that they are more annoyed about being inconvenienced than by the fact that they are surrounded by vampires.
I’m not joking. Johnny sees a vampire munching on his horse and actually goes to complain to the management about this. He doesn’t take a while to go, hey, that’s not normal. Ambrose, likewise, is never taken aback by the vampires, as he has a quip for every scene he’s in to ensure that any sense of danger or suspense is killed STAT. No one is allowed to be scared while watching this horror movie!
The worst, however, has to be John, who spends forever brawling with some bloke while his wife is screaming for him because she’s being munched on by a scary black vampire (let’s try not to read too much into this scene). Sure, he probably doesn’t care for her that much, and perhaps maybe he’s glad to be rid of her, but really, he keeps brawling even when the people around him turn out to be vampires and these vampires are attacking other patrons. How can someone be this oblivious and self-absorbed?
Meanwhile, the movie looks super cheap, with everyone dressed in clothes nicked from some bargain bin in a costume shop downtown, and the whole thing sags like the few tired scenes of topless women here.
Worse, all the “quips” and “one-liners” are so painfully cringe that every second spent watching this movie is a hundred brain cells dead.
Because this painfully unfunny and boring movie tries very hard to copy the first movie in terms of plot structure and all, it ends up demonstrating that it takes a certain degree of competence and intelligence to emulate Quentin Tarantino’s way with words, dark comedy, and perverse plot twists. The people behind this one don’t come close to having any of that.
