Main cast: Paul-Anthony Stewart (The Vegetarian), Sofia Shinas (Claire), Cédric Noël (The Man at the Gallery), Jean-Guy Bouchard (Luc), Doris Milmore (The Lady), and Terence Stamp (The Host)
Director: Jim Kaufman

Footsteps is written by “Cordwainer Bird”, which is a probable eat-my-finger-assholes pseudonym of Harlan Ellison. That’s right, he wrote a few scripts for this show, only to then have his name removed from the credits. I’d imagine that would be right after he saw the episodes and realized maybe he should just take the money and forget the glory.

Claire is a vampire that flees her latest hunting ground in LA because of an unusual reason: wherever she settles in, eventually she will hear louder and louder sounds of footsteps coming at her. She sees this as a sign that it’s time to move on, before humans become on to her.

Anyway, her next destination is Paris, which conveniently enough is in the country of most of the cast and crew members of this show.

After feeding on some fat guy and a smarmy pick-up artist—the scene turns into some hideous garish green and someone puts on a rubber monster claw glove and raises it up, because that’s really scary, ooh—Claire lets herself be picked up by some lady before she meets this fellow while bumping and grinding with the lady in the club. She ditches the lady to go back to this fellow’s place, only to learn that he is a vegetarian. 

There, I’ve described pretty much the entire episode minus its last eight minutes, because that’s how much of a plot this episode has. I suppose the main appeal is to see Sofia Shinas do her thing, but aside from appearing topless, all she does here is to talk in a pert sarcastic manner about how bored she is of everything and how delicious the blood supply is in Paris. 

In other words, while I’m not sure what Mr Ellison’s original script is like, this episode is basically an excuse for the lead actress to appear topless and do soft core stuff until time is up and it’s time to slap on an half-arsed ending—not the sexy kind of half-arsed, sadly—and call it a wrap.

I suppose people that like watching the lead actress topless may like this one better, but the whole episode is frankly a dreary plot-less mess. There is no memorable or interesting story, the whole premise with the footsteps goes to waste because the show prefers to show boobies instead, and the episode ends in such an unsatisfying manner that I can certainly understand why Mr Ellison doesn’t want his name to be anywhere in this thing.

This episode is a complete waste of time, and worse, it’s not even awful enough to deliver unintentionally good entertainment. It’s the kind of time-waster that makes me feel a piercing pain of realizing that I’ve wasted about 30 minutes of my life on such a pointless activity.

Of all the episodes they could have used, they chose this to end the first season? I guess they want as few people as possible to tune in to the next season.