Main cast: Meghan Markle, Prince Harry, Robert Hazell, Afua Hirsch, Prince Seeiso of Lesotho, and Abigail Spencer
Director: Liz Garbus

What am I doing? Oh, right, I’m doing this for you people, by request.

Let me preface this by saying: yes, I’m aware that there is a cottage industry revolving around bashing Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, former members of the British monarchy, but I’ve always found them boring.

Other people would give more detailed reviews, comparing things in each episode to what possibly really took place out there, but I’m afraid I just can’t bring myself to care about these two vapid and insufferable bores to do that much homework. So sorry about that… okay, not really.

Seriously, these two aren’t even doing the black sheep act right. Go do some drug-fueled orgies, go start a cult, or something else that would have made this so-called documentary fun!

Anyway, this is just a roundabout way of me saying that my thoughts about Harry & Meghan will be mostly be about what I see in each episode.

First off, the episode opens with some statements. One, the whole thing I’m seeing was done by August 22; in other words, they totally never intended to poo all over the deceased queen’s corpse, people. Also, members of the Royal Family apparently declined to lend their comments to this show; in other words, this is all about Harry and Meghan telling their side of the story, so let’s not expect anything crazy like a balanced narrative.

As this is the first episode, it touches on Meghan’s big sacrifice to marry into the Royal Family, which I suspect will be an ongoing narrative for quite some time. I’m tad confused, to be honest, as it’s pretty well documented that Meghan was not talking to practically her entire family when she married Harry, she didn’t have much of a career going on by then too. I’m not sure what exactly she is sacrificing by marrying Harry, as it seems like she has all to gain and nothing to lose.

Still, according to Harry, she has given up her “freedom”. Freedom to do what?

At this point, please don’t hate me, people, but I have to confess: Harry has a very lovely timbre in his voice, or maybe it’s the accent, but damn, I think I can listen to him all day as some form of ASMR.

Harry also says that he’s given up “everything” to be with her, which again baffles me because he’s still living in luxury, and apparently his dad gave him a lot of money to jump start his new career as the most private ex-Royal Family member in the world. As of now, he and his wife are still flogging that title of theirs, so aside from losing some fancy posh title that comes with being part of that inbred clan, what exactly is this “everything” that the balding bumpkin is babbling about?

Along the way, there are scenes of Meghan doing oh-so relatable “I’m just an average gal!” nonsense like feeding some chicken while wearing posh clothes, because that’s very believable and she didn’t script the whole show herself.

Meanwhile, Meghan says that they made this documentary because they want people to get more “glimpse” into whom they are. Don’t believe those nasty rumors that they are doing all this for Netflix money, people.

Given how desperate these two are to be in the limelight, at this rate the only “glimpse” people haven’t seen of them would be a sex tape, but let’s not give them ideas.

Also, this episode boasts some paid plants friends that assure me that these two are amazing, fun, friendly, humble, likable people if I would give them a chance and know them better.

This entire episode is, as expected, self aggrandizing with a hilariously disproportionate amount of the episode dedicated to Harry and the potted plants all telling me how amazing and remarkable Meghan is, because she, like, totally gave up everything to be his wife and she is, like, like, like, totally adorkable and nerdy and very smart like that self-insert heroine of her failed-to-launch, LOL cancelled Netflix cartoon.

I don’t get any of the promised new revelations here, or anything that will change my opinion that these two are shallow and thoroughly uninteresting bores. Maybe they are saving all the juicy stuff for the subsequent episodes. God help me, I guess I’ll find out since I’m now committed to watching the whole thing.