Midnight Showcase, $4.00
Fantasy Erotica, 2006

Dragons, Elves and Myths, Oh My! is an anthology of stories revolving around horny dragons, elves, and other fashionable bestseller clichés chasing after unsuspecting human beings for a shag. Of course, with this being a romantic kind of inter-species shag tale, expect lots of “soulmate” and its variation to be bandied about.

Mae Powers’s Heart Magic reads like a bad Robin D Owens short story right down to the title. Our hero Etris ze-Lar is sad that he will never be a Heart Mage – whatever that is – but he sets about sailing on his ship which he calls Heart-Mage. I wonder whether he names his cat Heartmage. This story takes place in a place called Sea-Nest. Etris is here to look for some item that will help him become a Heart Mage. Instead, he finds our heroine Idalia es-Varth who runs an inn which she is also a barmaid for. They have sex and he realizes that she’s his heart-mate. I don’t know about anyone else, but after this story, I really don’t want to come across the word “heart” anytime soon.

This story is a complete waste of time, the hero and the heroine act like silly kids who feel sad thoughts or happy thoughts as if they are Carebears – hey, we have plenty of hearts in this story, after all – and then they start going down on each other and I’m like, “Hey, wait a minute, Carebears actually have genitals? Eeuw!” I’m so happy that all it takes for Etris to get his mojo going is to stick his heart-staff into the heart-hole of his heart-mate in order to become a Heart Mage of Heart-Mage, but I think I’m getting a heartache from all that ragingly bad silliness going on in this story. The only thing I like about this story is its length, a blissfully short 12 pages. At least Mae Powers has the heart to think about my heart rate.

Tysche Dwai – is “Tsyche” pronounced the same way as “Tyche”? – takes me to China in the days of old in The River God’s Bride. Our heroine Shang Mei Lin is telling the kois in the garden pond about how cruel her father is for forbidding her to attend the dragon boat race, held in this year of the Dragon. Our heroine, coincidentally enough, is born in the year of the Dragon. And what do you know, our hero is also a dragon as well. Excuse me as I write down “dragon” just under “heart” in my list of words I do not want to see in a story for a long, long time. At any rate, the kois aren’t the most sympathetic audience for poor Mei Lin’s boo-hoo-hoo’s since they aren’t shapeshifting kois that will come to a lonely maiden’s rescue.

She starts crying and then walks over the garden bridge until she realizes that there’s something living underneath the bridge. Mei Lin decides that she will not tell anyone about the animal under the bridge because while she may live in a gilded cage, she will let animals live free – free, free, FRE-EEE! – like everything and everybody should be in this world. She then decides that she will make a pet out of whatever it is that lives under the bridge and actually walks down there while calling, “Hello…?” You think I’m making this up?

Oh no, there’s a dragon underneath the bridge! The dragon asks Mei Lin what her desire is because dragon or no, he’s just another creepy old man hoping to take advantage of some stupid girl who should but clearly doesn’t know better. Mei Lin happily talks to the dragon – which tells me that her father is right all along to prevent her from venturing outside the house because girlfriend here isn’t just dumb, she’s completely braindead – and our dragon, Long Bai Yu, asks her to climb on his back so that he can take her to the Dragon Boat Races. Mei Lin happily climbs on the dragon’s back and next thing I know, she’s secretly meeting him again under the bridge like she’s some really stupid little girl and he’s the pedophile that lives next door. Her father then announces that she’s chosen to be the sacrifice for that particular year – no doubt because she’s too stupid to live so she may as be fish food to ensure rainfall for the coming year – so Bai Yu comes to the rescue. He then screws her.

The story just keeps going on and on and on, oh my goodness, to the point that I am terrified that it will never end. With the story brimming with all kinds of stupidity running rampant in the pages, I have no reason to care whether that braindead heroine and her perverted creepy old dragon boyfriend live or die. Some mild amusement can be obtained from what a complete sex-mad creature Mei Lin turns into when it comes to sex. It’s amazing how such a creature who is so stupid to the point of child-like blankness in the mind can instinctively know when to open her mouth and really work her perverted creep of a boyfriend hard as if rock candies are running out of fashion. I suppose it’s great that she’s at least good for one thing in life.

Tamara James’s Into the Woods has our heroine Aiobhean and her wolfhound Maggie Mae… hold it, hold it. Maggie Mae? I think I’d better drink some brandy to prepare myself before I keep reading. Anyway, Aiobhean is looking for the answer behind mysterious disappearances of people living around that area. Aiobhean can communicate telepathically with her assistant Bridget and has received a clue from some green dragon: Aiobhean is the “last human child of Danu” who will “become one” with the Dark. Since she doesn’t read clichéd paranormal romances and therefore doesn’t know that her private parts are marked by destiny to be perforated soon by some mighty turbid Sidhe penis in some beautiful and magical shag kinetic so that the world be a better place for you and me and the entire human race, she is puzzled by the clue. She decides to talk to the Queen of the Sidhe and to do so, she must travel past the Dark Woods to get to the High Court. The Queen’s cousin Feardorcha rules the Dark Woods, however, so will Aiobhean learn in time that destiny has decided that the only way she can save the land is by spreading her legs to a skinny pointy-eared emo Legolas-wannabe?

I wish real life is so easy to the point that every woman’s problem is magically solved by spreading her legs for a hot stud. Multiple orgasms seem like a decent price to pay for the chaffing that goes with the very important work of saving the world, although the fact that the hot stud will creepily go on and on about how we are meant to be together forever can be a little bit annoying. Still, my reaction to this story is, “Excuse me, Aiobhean, am I supposed to know you?” This story has many allusions and references to events or characters in the heroine’s past that I wonder whether I’m supposed to read those stories first.

This story is quite interesting in the sense that Aiobhean is like a Buffy-wannabe kickassing her way through the Sidhe’s ranks and Feardorcha can be pretty effective in his “Oh, I’m living in the darkness, but ooh, I crave the light!” act, but with the author dropping in many details casually as if this story is part of something longer like a series, I find myself thinking that I’m missing a few pieces of the jigsaw puzzle of the big picture. Still, this story doesn’t insult my intelligence like the previous two stories so I’m fine with it.

Next is Bridghid Parkinson’s Summoning Dangerously. There is something about a Dragon War going on, although I don’t think it’s a war against horny old creepy dragons that take advantage of braindead nymphets or something, and our mage heroine Alaunra summons a stone golem with a “thick penis poking outward in front of him”. Don’t ask me why a stone golem will need a penis or why she wants to summon one with a penis. Maybe it’s to be used as a battering ram, I suppose. At any rate, Alaunra starts moaning about how she can’t get any dates, although that has nothing to do with her pornographic summoning, naturally. Next thing I know, she’s actually telling me that the stone golem will make a lousy lover. I find myself thinking, “Honey, that’s a stone golem. A stone golem. The fact that you’re even thinking of having sex with that thing… why not just do yourself a favor and change yourself into a joke book or something, Alaunra honey?”

Alaunra regains her sanity in time, although not that much that she puts on a nice dress and go to some place where she can meet nice guys. Instead, she summons this guy who’s bound in chains and screaming that he wants to shag her silly. His name is Tignaroc and he says that he’s heard of her – a great mage and a war hero, it seems. At this point I start to laugh until I realize the hero, who’s a dragon, is really serious. These two have sex, Alaunra’s mother pops up, and I find myself scratching my head. What is this? Some kind of bizarre comedy or something? This story makes no sense and reeks of self-indulgence on the author’s part.

Finally, Leigh Ellwood closes the anthology with Leading Lady. Dina Joseph, an actress in her forties whose greatest claim to fame was her role as a buxom leading lady Mayda Moran in the cult science-fiction TV series Mission: Jupiter about fifteen or so years ago, meets two men, Kray and Lane, and they decide to hit the sheets in some sizzling threesome action. The thing is, Dina believes that the two men are in costume when they are really Legolas-wannabes with pointy ears and all. Legolas-wannabes who cornhole each other when the mood strikes them. Since they are photo-negative images of each other, just think of two Orlando Bloom lookalikes having hot sex with each other. This story is pretty much a rather standard threesome story with a minor subplot about Legolases of the alternate world wanting Dina to be their new Elizabeth Taylor or something. I’m pretty disappointed that the threesome action is pretty tame for a romantic erotica story. This story isn’t that bad, but at the same time, it’s pretty forgettable because the story and the love scenes are pretty ordinary.

Dragons, Elves and Myths, Oh My! is an anthology with stories that are really unbelievably stupid or just plain forgettable. Maybe it should be re-titled Duds, Yawns and Morons, Oh My! to reflect its content more accurately.