Elisa Braden, $4.99, ISBN 978-1310728167
Historical Romance, 2015
It’s starting to appear that reading Elisa Braden’s stories is like going to a dentist and telling them to skip the anesthesia. She takes the worst traits embodied by a stereotypical dumb heroine in a historical romance, and then adds a few extra miles to convince me that even the dumbest romance heroine in some other story will still have some way to go before being as bad as the author’s heroines.
So, why am I reading the author’s stuff still? Well, at one time, I was looking for a historical romance author new to me in hopes of finding a new voice that I’d like, so I bought a number of the author’s titles that were on sale. Impulse shopping can be fun, but it can also be… this.
Anyway, back to the story.
In Desperately Seeking a Scoundrel, our heroine Sarah Battersby is left homeless and penniless after her father’s death. Accepting the marriage proposal of the wealthy Felix Foote is out of the question, however. It’s not because he’s a horrid person, and heaven knows, we all know that romance heroines will latch on to any douche in the galaxy so long as he makes them spill a full bucket down their stairs. No, it’s because, yes, her full pail remains on the spot at the top of her staircase.
So, she insists that she’s betrothed to another, and now she needs to find a fake boyfriend ASAP to stall off the hellish circumstance of marrying into money. Of course, it’d be a fake thing, because she’s gambling her future on somehow securing a teaching job and…
Does it matter? We all know a rich asshole will eventually shag and then marry her, hence saving her from having to go through any disastrous plan she has concocted in her barely functional brain.
Oh, great, the hero is Colin Lacey, the twat from the previous story in the Racing to Ruin, I mean, Rescued from Ruin series. I can’t wait.
Our heroine finds this douchebag badly beaten, so she does what every damsel in poverty will do: take him back to her place so that she can waste her funds making him feel better. Why? I suppose it’s the selfless thing to do. It’s not like he may end up being a ruffian that will rob her and her mother blind or worse.
So, to sum up: our heroine is desperate, but she has no plan to deal with this. She just knows what she can’t do: marry the Gaston of the town, because she just can’t.
Oh wait, she’ll do one thing: she’ll get this guy to play her fake boyfriend, because affixing her good name to who knows what will be a great way to ensure that she can get a teaching gig somewhere.
Mind you, she’s not even sure where she can apply for a teaching gig. In fact, she later decides that she has to marry Mr Foote for her mother’s sake, so I don’t know why the story can’t end there and then with the marriage she rightfully deserves. At any rate, the only thing clear in this story is that I am reading about a highly-probable possessor of a single-digit IQ here.
Needless to say, she finds the mysterious stranger’s voice sexy and his looks sexier and soon, she’s falling in love.
Ah, but Colin has enemies and a convoluted subplot that I’d be arsed to care if this guy weren’t such an unlikable puke ball, so he knows that he must leave her for her own good…
Now, this may come as a surprise, but the biggest issue I have with this one is how freaking long it is. Of course, lengthy things aren’t always a bad thing, but here, it feels interminable as the story doesn’t need to be this long in the first place… unless the reader loves to read about Sarah’s abysmal and repetitive efforts to constantly misread and misjudge things, second guess herself, and make all the worst decisions possible in any given situation.
I actually groan when she finally learns of Colin’s true identity and I notice then that the story is barely one-third in!
In fact, by the time I reach the last page, I can barely recall what the deal is with Colin. This is because the story overwhelms my hapless senses with Sarah being stupid and indecisive from start to finish. This ridiculously over-visceral darling can’t seem to make up her mind about anything, aside from her overwhelming need to make life hard for herself as much as possible just because.
Will anyone be shocked to learn that she is aghast when learning that Colin is a titled toff wealthier than Foote, because she feels that he’s no longer the man that tipped her full bucket down her stairs? She’s still poor and desperate, but she clearly has her priorities.
Anyway, now that I’ve somehow finished this thing, in spite of how much my brain and every nerve in my body protested at the cruelty of the deed, I’m off to look for some aspirin. My head is hurting.
