Main cast: Sian Altman (Lisa King), Mark Haldor (Dylan “Bruiser” King), George Nettleton (Charlie), Chrissie Wunna (Vanessa), Beatrice Fletcher (Georgie), Stephen Staley (Ben), Sofia Lacey (Tina), Chris Cordell (Reverend Jackson), Sarah Alexandra Marks (Jenny), Eva Ray (Jade), Antonia Whillans (Amy), Sarah T Cohen (Sarah), Kate Sandison (Tabby), Richard Harfst (Neil), and Clint Gordon (Mike)
Director: Paul W Franklin
No, I didn’t have two “(2022)” in the title by mistake. The official title of this movie is indeed Croc! (2022), and I have no idea why. It is also known as Crocodile Vengeance, which isn’t any better as, like the movie poster, it doesn’t accurately reflect the content of this thing.
No, there is no giant crocodile munching on the rear ends of swimmers in some lake. There are two big but not extraordinarily large crocodiles here, and they munch on the people that come to some rustic old manor in Hampshire, England for the wedding of Lisa King and Charlie.
For the most part, these characters are tried and true clichés.
Charlie is a scumbag cheating on Lisa with her good friend and bridesmaid Georgie.
There is also Lisa’s loyal good friend Amy.. or is it Tina… anyway, who cares. All the bridesmaids look and are interchangeable, and I even confuse them with Lisa at times.
The only female character of the lot that stands out is Vanessa, Lisa’s boss, because she is an Asian dragon lady type and not some generic young white lady. She is also sarcastic but horny when it comes to the right man, and hence fun to follow.
Dylan is a discount Jason Momoa that has always disappointed his daughter with him not being there when it counts, but he may be able to flex and become worthy in her eyes when his animal activist skills could be the only thing that can save them.
The best scene in this one is the opening predictable disposable extras getting killed scene that sets up the movie. This is because Clint Gordon shows off his mesmerizing gorgeous upper body here, and it’s a shame that those sweat pants don’t hang lower down those thighs.
Anyway, that scene also sets the stage of how this movie may not be that well assembled, as Mike is wearing sweatpants but when he goes to pee against a barn wall, he makes the pulling down the zipper motion and there is a laughably loud “Ziiiiip!” sound to accentuate that action. Well, this is good if those sweatpants had a zipper, and they didn’t. I should know, I watch that character’s crotch very closely just to make sure.
Indeed, perhaps because of a lack of budget, the crocodile kills are spread far and wide for the most part, until the denouement when they predictably assail the wedding ceremony. It’s pretty obvious that these crocodiles are not real, as there are few scenes that actually show them supposedly chomping on someone’s legs and these scenes are clearly bad CGI.
Most of the time, though, it’s the standard “Someone looks at the camera and scream… and then we cut away!” or “Someone just gets pulled out of sight and, yeah, the croc got them!” moments that don’t make for exciting watch.
Most of the cast members aren’t bad, and the screenplay tries to make the humor work. For example, Lisa is such a Bridezilla that she’s far more upset about her special day being ruined than people actually getting killed by fake gummy-looking crocodiles.
However, most people, yours truly included, are likely watching this one for glorious butchery of idiot humans, not hit or miss comedy featuring a cast of forgettable stereotypical characters.
This movie isn’t very successful at delivering the former, so the best it can probably be is filler to play in the background when one just wants to make the room feel less silent and empty.
