Main cast: Chris Massoglia (Darren Shan), John C Reilly (Larten Crepsley), Josh Hutcherson (Steve “Leopard” Leonard), Ray Stevenson (Murlough), Salma Hayek (Madame Truska), Patrick Fugit (Evra Von), Jessica Carlson (Rebecca the Monkey Girl), Michael Cerveris (Desmond Tiny/Mr Destiny), Willem Dafoe (Gavner Purl), Ken Watanabe (Hibernius Tall), Jane Krakowski (Corma Limbs), Kristen Schaal (Gertha Teeth), Orlando Jones (Alexander Ribs), Frankie Faison (Rhamus Twobellies), Patrick Breen (Mr Kersey), Jonathan Nosan (Hans Hands), Tom Woodruff Jr (The Wolfman), and Blake Nelson Boyd (Mr Afraid of the Ground Man)
Director: Paul Weitz

I have never read any of Darren Shan’s books—oh dear, I hope that doesn’t tarnish my street cred—so I have no idea what to expect when I sit down to watch this adaptation of the author’s books, Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant. It sounds interesting, at least. Unfortunately, the whole thing turns out to be a CGI-bloated bore.

We have the usual kids running around the place. Darren Shan—how sweet, naming the main character after the author—and Steve are best friends, although frankly Darren is quite a jerk, caring more about being popular than anything else, and choosing the people he is seen with on that basis. He is also willing to reduce Steve to being his “secret best friend” after his controlling parents forbids him from seeing Steve again, and he thinks that Steve should be happy with that, so that’s exactly the kind of teen twat I’m supposed to be rooting for here. Yay! Basically, the Cique du Freak comes to town, and Steve realizes that one of the performers is a real vampire. He begs to be made into one, because that’s the kind of rational person he is. Meanwhile, Darren apparently has a thing for spiders, so he steals a spider from one of the performers, because this is our hero and he has zero sense of boundaries as well. Yay!

Things go downhill and Darren gets made into a vampire, so basically he is stealing his supposed best friend’s dream away from him on top of being a complete twat through and through. Steve eventually gets his too, but somehow he’s the bad guy. There are some clashes between good and evil CGIs, and the whole thing comes off like a convoluted kind of boring.

I don’t know whether it’s because I’m watching this thing eleven years after it was first released or it’s just that I have refined tastes, but this movie feels like a dated effort to cash in on the CGI-heavy kiddie movie fad that erupted after those Harry Potter movies made a lot of money for everyone involved. There isn’t a story here as much as it is just set pieces showing off CGI clumsily glued together to give the impression that this thing is something like a movie. Because the circus freaks are defined by their traits rather than who they are, these people are basically CGI props at the end of the day.

There are attempts at comedy, but I don’t laugh even laugh. There are CGI-heavy action scenes, but they all feel bland and unexciting. Everything about this movie feels like it is going through the motions, checking off some kind of list so that it can draw in the crowd of people that like this kind of movies.

Then there’s Chris Massoglia. Can’t they find anyone better than this bland plank of wood of an actor to play the lead? This fellow can barely emote and he’s basically sort of just there. Of course, most leading male actors of these movies back in those days are barely able to emote, but still, Darren is already quite the unlikable turd, and having him played by someone with all the charisma of a sack of turnips only makes things worse.

At any rate, Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant can only wish it’s halfway as freaky as its title would suggest.