Main cast: Brittany Murphy (Jody Marken), Michael Biehn (Sheriff Brent Marken), Jay Mohr (Leonard Marliston), and Gabriel Mann (Kenny Ascott)
Director: Geoffrey Wright

Teen slasher movies just haven’t been the same after Scary Movie. For one, they don’t seem scary or even credible anymore. Thanks to the Wayan brothers, no self-respecting teen slasher can shoulder the semi-respectability Kevin Williamson gave them. It’s now back to T&A.

And so T&A it is for Cherry Falls, touted as American Pie crossed with Scream, a movie so farcical it could be funny if it isn’t so inept.

This time around, the virgin ladies are the one who get axed. That’s right, virginal ladies are the ones in danger now, not the usual skanky cheerleading ho. How does the killer know whether they are virgins? I don’t know, I don’t want to know.

Therefore, all the teenagers take this as an excuse for a mega Cherry Popping Ball (don’t ask) – all virgins, come lose your virginity and be safe! Even Daddy wonders if he should encourage her “I’m not ready yet” daughter Jody to go all the way with her boyfriend to be safe. Twisted, huh?

I’m prepared for a bloody sick and entertaining good time.

But alas, since this movie debuts on TV in USA (it only got widescreen release in UK and Singapore), I have to go the cinema to catch this one. The result? All the T&A, gore, nudity, violence, and all are gone, no thanks to this greed to get the movie slapped with a PG label (so that all the horny schoolboys can pay and watch). The final result is like a mutant: a movie obviously destined for camp T&A horny fest but sanitized to the point of being as “safe” as an episode of Barney.

It’s not a pretty sight, and it dilutes all the sleazy guilty fun this movie might have offered in its uncensored glory.

Screw the censors, I want my money back!