Jordana Pearce, $0.99, ISBN 978-1393140894
Contemporary Romance, 2020

Oh dear, I am so late to the party, as Jordana Pearce’s Charming Mr. X is billed as “a hot and humorous Halloween romantic comedy”.

The author, who also writes as Carrie Lomax, mentions in this thing that a version of this story was previously published under the Carrie Lomax name in some anthology called Trick or Treat Me, so that’s the PSA of today.

Lillian Smith is a failure, which in a romantic comedy is a good thing because we can all point and laugh at her in order to feel better about ourselves. She’s a flop as a PA and she’s also a flop as an aspiring actor, so she opens the story whining to her BFF that she may as well pack up and go back to live with her parents.

As it happens, a lady overhears her and offers her a job. 

Wren nodded. “This is a highly unconventional job. It won’t appeal to many people, which is why I have had so much trouble filling it. If you’d like to hear more—and I hope you will—please come to the House of X party this Saturday.”

Lily understandably isn’t keen at first, as the whole thing sounds like a mysterious invitation to some BDSM orgy or something, which is of course a bad thing unless there is a hot billionaire involved.

Speaking of which, the X stands for Xavier Cortes, a hot billionaire.

“It’s the perfect time for you to come and see what the job entails. Organizing House of X parties is a key part of the job.” Wren parried with assurance. “It’s the only way Mr. X can socialize.”

A job of organizing parties for a hot billionaire? Oh baby, where do I sign up? I’d take any position he wants me to be in, and I’ll make sure to squeeze in some extra effort just to milk the most out of that position… wait, I’m not the romance heroine here? That failure of a wretch is the one going to ride that guy all the way to a big fat bank account?

People told me that reading romance is going to make me feel good about myself. Those people are such liars.

Anyway, Lily meets Mr X and the interview process can be summed up like this:

“I’m a complete failure in every way as a human being. Hee-hee-hee, am I not cute and adorable?”

“I am brooding and smoldering, and looking at me compels you to think horny thoughts.”

“Hee-hee-hee, can I kiss you? We can, like, so have sex later!”

“You got the job, baby!”

You know, I’m not sure why Lily isn’t a celebrated Hollywood star by now, if she aces her job interviews like this. Maybe she’s terrible at sex?

“You want me to move in and be your fuck-buddy and social planner, in exchange for a free place to stay and no salary. I just can’t do that,” Lily said, almost apologetic.

I like her. She is quite the ho, but she isn’t putting out unless she gets the big house and the big bank account.

“Maybe I don’t want a salary,” she said spinning on her heel. Her shimmery blue skirt whirled out behind her beetle’s wings. For all he knew Lily might take flight at any moment. It wouldn’t be a goddamn surprise.

“You just said you did,” Xavier said in exasperation.

“No, I want to pursue acting. It’s not the same thing at all. Having a salary would make it easier for me to do that. But then, I’d be getting paid to have sex with you I am not okay with that.” Lily poked his chest with one finger. Xavier took one step back and nearly crushed the toes of a T-Rex with his boot heel.

Wait, I take back what I said. What’s with this weird bipolar mood swing? She’s the one that makes advances to him barely 30 minutes into their job interview, and now she’s mad that he thinks she’s just a ho? What does she expect?

This story is a confusing mess. It quickly devolves into a tale of the poor hero trying his best to indulge the heroine as the spoiled brat goes into all kinds of childish tantrums, and the heroine has a first class seat in the bullet train to crazy town. She wants this, no she doesn’t want it and she will scream at the hero for assuming that she does, repeat and rinse until I have a very good idea as to why this is a Halloween story. The heroine is terrifying to behold.

So yes, I can understand why the heroine is a complete failure at holding a job, and I hope Mr X has a strong liver as she’d drive him to drink within a month or two of the “happily ever after”. He’ll die of liver cirrhosis and she’ll get all his money—a fate that he truly deserves for sticking it into cray cray.