Charlie’s Angels (2019)

Posted by Mrs Giggles on November 15, 2019 in 1 Oogie, Film Reviews, Genre: Action & Adventure

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Charlie's Angels (2019)
Charlie’s Angels (2019)

Main cast: Kristen Stewart (Sabina Wilson), Naomi Scott (Elena Houghlin), Ella Balinska (Jane Kano), Elizabeth Banks (Rebekah Bosley), Djimon Hounsou (Edgar Bosley), Sam Claflin (Alexander Brock), Noah Centineo (Langston), Patrick Stewart (John Bosley), Luis Gerardo Méndez (The Saint), and Jonathan Tucker (Hodak)
Director: Elizabeth Banks

Charlie's Angels (2019)

Why is it that these days wokeness is being used as a lazy excuse to churn out a movie or a story without any regard given to the quality of the product? These days, so-called creative people are using whatever -ism that is in fashion as a shield to blackmail people into loving their product. Certainly, like many before her, director and co-writer Elizabeth Banks is already saying that should this latest Charlie’s Angels movie bomb, it’s because people are sexists who are against women in lead roles. Oh please, this movie is the equivalent of third-graders screaming “Feminism! Patriarchy sucks!” non-stop as if to desperately convince people that these kids genuinely know what they are shrieking about.

This time around, we have the Townsend Agency which is an agency staffed by bombshells led by mostly men – feminism, down with patriarchy, but hello daddy – designed to showcase how feminism belongs to thin hot women that fit the Hollywood standards of beauty. We have Sabina Wilson – sexy and feisty, that is, if you can believe Kristen Stewart’s constant “I am forced to drink three gallons of prune juice every day and this is my face!” facial expression is meant to convey all that – and Elena Houghlin – #girllikescienceWOOOOOO – and Jane Kano – sexy and feisty because, uh, whatever FEMINISM WOOOOOO. That’s as deep as these ladies’ characteristics and personalities go, by the way. They are trying to keep some energy technology dedicated to preventing climate change or something – “HOW DARE YOU!” – from falling into the wrong hands, and that’s it.

Charlie’s Angels has always been about subversive feminism, with supposed bimbos and what not utilizing their smarts to manipulate men and stay on top. Bosley may be the boss, but we all know the Angels are the one who control the story and the narrative. Unfortunately, these days we can’t have subtlety or nuances, as stupid but loud people who live 24 hours on social media can only get in-your-face sloganeering and they will mass-bomb and spam their targets with vitriol for the next few weeks should they don’t like something in popular media, hence this movie going all in-your-face slap-your-cheeks blatant with the shallow, superficial, and ultimately empty virtue signaling.

This movie is composed of set piece after set piece of three twiggy ladies failing to convince me that they are physically capable of taking down villains without a sweat, all the while constantly quipping and sassing non-stop in order to remind me that these characters are not to be mistaken any time soon for  human beings. The comedy here boils down to women screaming “FEMINISM! WOOO!” and I’m supposed to laugh. I don’t know why. The opening scene with Sabina trying to seduce a villain is especially terrible, because she’s lecturing him about how women these days are in control and empowered, and the supposedly chauvinist pig finds that sexy instead of backhanding her like an actual chauvinist villain would. That scene, sadly, represents the entire movie: it’s just about three unbelievably flippant and cardboard ladies basically going “Chicks can do everything! Men suck! Woo-hoo!” non-stop without actually adding anything meaningful to the issues they are supposed to be representing. This thing is as deep as a greeting card.

This is bad because Charlie’s Angels has nothing else aside from this empty, obnoxious faux-feminism. The script banks so heavily on this being enough to compensate for the lack of anything that is remotely interesting about it. The plot is dumb, the dialogues are cringe-fest “WOOO! WOMEN RULE, PATRIARCHY SUCKS SO LIKE, WHATEVER, I’M SO SEXY WOOO FEMINISM!” nonsense, and I find myself bored into a stupor during the long stretches of banality that dot this movie. It’s so… empty and devoid of intelligence, like one of those stupid American commercials for Gillette or Burger King where these people pretend to be enlightened, when all they really want is for you to give them your money.

To add insult to the injury, the music here seems to be tracks bought for cheap from Ariana Grande’s trash can of rejected songs. Don’t call me “angel” – don’t call me, period.