Main cast: Sally Kirkland (Mrs Garington), Karen Elkin (Jenny Garson), Colin Ferguson (Peter Garson), and Terence Stamp (The Host)
Director: Erik Canuel

Bridal Suite has newlyweds Peter and Jenny Garson stumbling upon a lovely guest house in the middle of nowhere as they are trying to seek shelter from a snow storm.

This is an excuse from a laughably long and unnecessary soft porn scene between the two, complete with dire saxophone music, and this is also where I have to raise my objection. While Karen Elkin goes topless and the camera lingers on her accoutrements, let’s just say, I don’t even get a peek at Colin Ferguson’s chest or bum? Oh, the insult!

Anyway, Peter just vanishes into the thin air once they are both done, oh dear. Even his clothes in their luggage bags are gone! What has happened? Does the creepy guest house owner Mrs Garington have anything to do with this?

This episode can be divided into three parts: the boink, then Jenny walking around calling Peter’s name until I wish someone would stuff a stocking into her mouth, and the dramatic finale of such awful CGI that I burst out laughing.

The premise and the plot are dumb, Karen Elkin barely emotes here and thus her character comes off like an android of sorts, and Sally Kirkland isn’t given enough opportunity to chew scenery and liven up things.

The icing on the stupid cake is the CGI, though. It’s so bad that I feel so embarrassed for all parties involved. Having a couple of guys under the sheets making “Woo! Woo!” windmill gestures would likely be more frightening, yikes.

All in all, a pretty dumb waste of time—unless one really wants to see boobies—and I don’t even get to see any hot male flesh, hmmph. This episode is the first dud of the season, with production values reminiscent of a cheap soft porn production—which it probably is, come to think of it—and it’s all around daft.

I wouldn’t mind having that bridal bed, though. Just saying.