Sophie Sparks, $2.99, ISBN 978-1005045272
Contemporary Romance, 2022
As all the fatties in Parfield get married—fat women, that is; fat men don’t deserve love—Penny Lloyd wonders when her turn to have a go on a hot fireman will come. After all, when every fatty that she knows gets hitched to the hottest guys of the local fire department, it’s like a happy flu and she will surely catch it soon. Right?
Sure, a hot peen that is attached to flat abs and good looks is nice, but what Penny really wants is to have a baby. Unfortunately, things don’t seem to work out for her—she dumped her last boyfriend after 18 unsuccessful tries of getting knocked up—and she may have to face the horrifying prospect of adopting.
That won’t do. Who knows what kind of icky genes may be present in a child, right? Plus, if those horror movies were anything to go by, she may end up adopting a homicidal spawn of Satan.
Fortunately, Blake Atkins is already itching to douse her with his big fat hose.
“Wow!” I gasp as his seed canons into my stomach.
While I’m watching his come leak down my tummy, a second blast hits me even harder. With my orgasm subsiding, I withdraw a finger and lather his cream into my skin. A third, fourth and fifth spurt leak from his cock, dripping down and pooling between us like milky lava.
“That’s how fucking sexy you are, Pen,” he sighs, another bead of life-giving semen spilling from his glistening helmet.
Well, it’s a good thing that I’m not eating when I read that, because I’d probably choke to death after bursting into laughter at the phrase “life-giving semen spilling from his glistening helmet”.
So, will Blake’s superior fireman glistening-helmet’ed spewed baby batter turn out to be the baby batter that will turn Penny into a baby-popping machine? Duh, you must be new to the romance genre if you harbor any doubts.
This is the story, basically: fatty wants to have her own children so bad, she is a super successful businesswoman that opens a new restaurant but tries to downplay her abilities in order to get a man, and finally, she gets the perfect bull to give her the brats she longs for, without much effort on her part because the bull in question is already horny and wanting in. Really, Pen spends most of the story moping and whining about how she is too successful yet not fertile enough to validate her entire existence as a woman, but at last, she finally puts out to the right man and her life is now absolutely, totally perfect.
Still, the author’s narrative is easy to read and lively, so maybe Blake isn’t so bad. Perhaps it’s a story for readers that have a fetish for pregnancy and giving birth, and the shallow romance is only a flimsy plot device to get the fetish gears going. I don’t have a terrible time reading the story so far…
With a growing crowd of admirers surrounding her, Lucy Sancho belts out a remarkable version of Perfect by Ed Sheeran.
“I’ve found a love, for me,
darling just dive right in,
and follow my lead.
I’ve found a girl,
beautiful and sweet…”Even within the sea of mesmerised faces, the love shining in her husband’s eyes lights up the whole town. Waving at the approaching taxi, I glance back to the beach.
“Time changes everything,” I sigh, remembering the sand angels that are now nothing more than memories.
“I’ve found a love,
to carry more than just my secrets,
to carry love,
to carry children… of our own.”“Maybe in another life. See ya guys,” I whisper, throwing my half-filled suitcase into the taxi and slipping inside. “Airport, please.”
What the… can we stop with all these cheesy song scenes? My skin is threatening to tear itself off and run away from me; please stop.
With the music sending goosebumps chasing up my skin, I roll my head into my husband’s shoulder and stare down at our baby girl.
“I believe that children are our future,
teach them well and let them lead the way;
show them all the beauty they possess inside,
give them a sense of pride… to make it easier.
Let the children’s laughter…
remind us how we used to be.”Coming to a standstill at the front of the sea-covered beach, Blake reaches out a hand, grips my shoulder and turns me to face him.
“Hayley will have a great life,” he whispers. “And so will we. I just want you to promise me something.”
“What is it?” I ask, staring deep into his hazel eyes.
Lifting a finger to silence me, he tilts his head towards Bar Neo and waves his hand. Understanding his silent wish, I allow Lucy’s powerful words to fully envelop my heart and soul.
“The greatest love of all…
is easy to achieve.
Learning to love yourself…
is the greatest love of all…”“That,” he whispers, stooping and softly kissing my lips. “I see it, Pen. I’ve always seen it. Behind all the front and bullshit, you’re pretty much just like the rest of us.”
No, dear god, please not this again. Whitney is dead, and no amount of caterwauling or dot-dot-dots are going to bring her back to life.
Two oogies. Those scenes are pure cringe, and it will take me a while to recover from the terrifying, possibly lethal dose of cheesiness in them. Is the author even allowed to do this to me? Maybe I should consult a lawyer after ordering an exorcism from a priest first.
