Main cast: John Travolta (Terl), Barry Pepper (Jonnie Goodboy Tyler), Forest Whitaker (Ker), Kim Coates (Carlo), Sabine Karsenti (Chrissie), and Kelly Preston (Chirk)
Director: Roger Christian

I try not to let the fact that Scientologists made this movie cloud my judgement. I try to forget that L Ron Hubbard’s book of the same name is crap anyway. I really tried, honest. I walked into the theater hoping that the film people would somehow manage to bring life to an interesting tale where the book failed.

But the most interesting thing in this crappy movie is John Travolta’s overstuffed crotch. And I mean interesting as in “Eeuw, is that what a week-long dead chicken looks like?” sort of interesting. Battlefield Earth is bad science fiction. Period. It makes Wing Commander looks like Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back.

It’s year 3000 and alien race of Psychlos has conquered mankind. Gee, Terl, the alien chief planning to be a traitor and use the humans as slaves as opposed to orders from above, speaks in a twang exactly like that gigolo on Saturday Night Fever! What happened to “getting into a role”?  Hero Jonnie Goodboy Tyler, however, has the brains to lead his gang to break into Fort Knox for gold (don’t ask – maybe the aliens overlooked those large pile of gold bars in their busy stuffing of their crotches with pantyhose) and revolt. Will they succeed?

Frankly I don’t care. The book has plot holes as big as Jupiter in the first place, and these people don’t even try to patch up the holes. Let’s just say that if aliens are that stupid, I’m going to eat my hat.

Everything just plain sucks. The aliens look like disgusting fat slobs unfamiliar with hygiene. And those overstuffed crotches! The costumes look like something someone scavenged from a burning K-Mart downtown.

I think I know what those stuffings in the crotches are. The last shreds of dignity of those foolish enough to connect themselves to this stinker.