Carole Mortimer, $0.99, ISBN 978-1-910597-79-8
Historical Romance, 2019
Carole Mortimer’s Bastian’s Surrender made its first appearance in the boxed set Seduced Under the Mistletoe in 2018.
See, that’s why I don’t like to review boxed sets. After spending 10 hours reviewing the dozens of short stories in the set, I would wake up the next morning to find that the boxed set had been taken down and people would write in months later asking me why they couldn’t locate the boxed set anymore and was that all in my imagination.
So yes, it’s far easier to review individual stories that get reissued later, such as this one. Additionally to reissuing this, the author also points out that she has expanded it so that it is now part of a series called Regency Club Venus.
Club Venus is basically a brothel, but ah readers, don’t be so quick to burn some buildings in peaceful protest. This club, you see, is owned by a duke, so that makes it alright as dukes are rich and hence wholesome and can’t do anything wrong. Also, the heroines in here are not harlots, because they all have noble reasons to step foot inside.
So yes, the pimps are blue-blooded men and hence virtuous and worthy, and the heroines are noble and forced into where they are so they are not prostitutes. There, we can now read the story with our conscience clear over the fact that we are certainly not rooting for pimps and women of ill repute, just hot wealthy men and noble women with just causes.
Where am I? Ah yes. Lord Sebastian Forbes, the Earl of Shaftesbury, is tormented over the fact that he might be responsible for the death of some single daddy, so now he wants to seek out the man’s child to place under his wing, but he can’t find that child. Plus, he doesn’t even know what the child’s sex, age, whatever is, so oh well, that’s a dead end.
So, to nobly assuage his guilt, Shaftesbury buries his shaft—please, we all know what the author is doing when she comes up with that title for Bastian—in every willing harlot in town. How my tears spill as his seed spews indiscriminately in his grief, as alcohol courses through his system in a haze of sexy torment! Is there anything that touches the heart as much as a man indulging in rampant unprotected sex with numerous prostitutes while drinking himself into a blackout? Take my body, sirrah, because you already have taken my heart!
“What is so intriguing about the young woman you referred to?”
“She was one of three new girls Winter examined today.”
Lord Benedict Winter was a close friend of both gentlemen, and also a doctor, having studied abroad for several years to acquire that title. Gabriel required only the best in all things, that being so he had acquired Winter’s services as physician to the ladies at Club Venus five years ago when he took over ownership.
“To my surprise, this young lady is the virgin she claimed to be when she came knocking on the door two days ago asking for work,” Gabriel drawled cynically. “She is also, Winter assures me, highly sexually responsive.”
Bastian raised his brows. “And just how did he go about discovering that, might I ask?”
Gabriel shrugged. “He knows my requirements and carries out his examination accordingly. Enjoying sexual pleasure is also something I insist upon for the ladies who choose to live here.”
“And this new girl is highly responsive?”
“She reached a climax with barely any stimulation at all.”
That woman is of course our heroine Abigail, who arrives at Club Venus because she has no other means of making money to survive the coming winter. She hears that the Venus Club takes good care of their ladies, so going there seems like a sensible choice for a woman that has run out of options.
Gail encounters Shaftingberry when she comes to free him after a night of bondage and debauchery, and we all know there is nothing to turn a woman on like the stench of sex and sweat in a brothel boudoir.
He immediately asks her to be his mistress, or at the very least, a date, but she refuses because she’d rather be a prostitute that services many, many johns instead of just one, as this is what she has agreed upon when she takes up employment here.
Wait, what? Let me reread that part; yes, that’s her line of reason. I… sigh. Let’s just move on.
Of course, we all know that the author will never allow the heroine to walk the talk and service 15 johns a night, so Bastian will step in and make her debut as the most frigid harlot of the year a comfortable one.
But he was also aware of the alternative. Lord Jonathan Gordon was the voluptuary Gail had called Bastian, if ever there was one. The elderly man was reputed to require acts from the ladies he paid to spend time with which, Bastian believed, considering her virginity, might shock Gail. He knew that by the time Gordon had finished taking his money’s worth from her, she would no longer be a virgin in any of her holes.
Aw come on, don’t spoil my fun. Let the heroine take responsibility for her decisions, I want to see her humiliated and broken for being a dumb tart that she is!
If Bastian did not take her innocence, then Lord Gordon would do so tomorrow, and in a much more intrusive manner.
Can someone commission an eggplant-shaped medal for Shaftingberry? He clearly deserves one for such insurmountable heroism.
Even so… “I believe Lord Gordon has made a request to purchase your virginity?”
Gail gave him a quick glance before those lashes lowered again, the color that had returned to her cheeks once again retreating. “The duke informed me such was the case, yes.”
The duke that sells the virginity of impoverished women is getting his romance story next. I can’t wait for such a selfless humanitarian to find a rusty blade shoved up his rectum the true love that his heart desires.
A stroke up.
A pull down.
A gush of pre-cum appeared at his cockhead.
A stroke up.
A pull down.
Another gush of pre-cum bubbling to the surface before dribbling over her tiny fingers.
Oh god, I will never be able to use a self-service yogurt station ever again without breaking out in hysterical laughter.
As for the missing kid, can anyone guess whom that person is? If you think it is a spoiler for me to reveal that Gail is the person he is looking for, you really need to read more romance novels to get a feel of the tropes and all. Still, it turns out that he’s not responsible for her father’s death, so in the end, our heroine can operate the hero’s yogurt station with all the guilt-free abandon that her heart desires.
Bastian’s Surrender is without doubt a terrible story, but it is also such a hilarious read for all the wrong reasons that I am only lying to myself if I pretended to be offended by the horrific transgressions committed by the author in this one. If anything, this only cements her reputation in my eyes as an author of fine uproarious comedy, perfect for those days when I need some quick pick-me-up.
Yes, the author has broken me, and I indeed surrender, but oh, what joy it is to submit to such entertaining awfulness!
