Fern Publications, $2.99, ISBN 978-1370012114
Fantasy Romance, 2016
Straight, gay, whatever—it seems like all flavors of werewolf romances have converged into a single story line, judging from the stories I have the misfortune to come across. Sure, this one first came out in 2016, and maybe werewolf romances have taken to new heights and horizons ever since (yeah, I have my doubts too), and I have a sinking feeling that I have read Fel Fern’s Baited and Mated many, many times before the moment I look at the cover art. Why did I buy this thing again all those years ago? It’s shocking how careless I was with my money back in those days, sigh.
Noah Smithson finally manages to stop hyperventilating the moment he returns to Pinerock Valley on the first page. On that very page itself, he laments about disappointing his mother, how as an Omega of his werewolf pack he was expected to stay home and take care of the kids of more bossy males, but he decided to go to law school instead. I’d like to think that this is a subversion of sorts, or maybe a satire of gender roles back in the old days, but since Noah does come back in the end and fulfills the stereotype of the sensitive crybaby destined to raise his rear end for alpha peen, I feel that this is sadly more of an affirmation of tired old clichés than anything else.
Serious questions: is the fabric of the universe going to be destroyed if an author ever come up with an alpha male that loves taking big dongs up his bubble-shaped derriere?
The alpha is Matt Ross. The very first day Noah is back in town—broke, nowhere to go, because of course—he meets his old crush Matt and immediately goes into horny horn mode. Ditto Matt. Well, that takes care of the romance part. Who needs old fashioned nonsense like getting to know one another anymore first? Present year, baby, and romance is basically two dogs humping on the street on a lovely afternoon.
Firstly, Matt keeps calling Noah “little Omega” despite Noah’s protests. Eeuw.
Secondly, things accelerate quickly from eeuw to him telling Noah again and again that Noah is his and his alone. Ugh.
Third… well, there is no third because this is basically every tedious, lazy werewolf romance that relies on shortcuts like the mate bond or whatever the author wishes to call it. The alpha is an asshole? Too bad, he’s the destined mate so better like it. That’s basically the whole thing in a nut shell, and it doesn’t help that Noah is such the stereotypical gasping, blinking, legs spread wide, rump lifted high, doormat bottom that gives every happy bottom a bad name and heaps of second-hand embarrassment.
The word “dreary” doesn’t even cover half of my reaction while reading this thing. It’s a pretty short read, but I keep sighing and rolling up my eyes with each page because I can’t believe how devoid of imagination and life this story is. It’s such a painted-by-numbers, lazy thing that has me feeling that the author is likely laughing at me for falling for the grift and shelling out money for this thing.
Oh, and “little Omega”. Seriously? Who on earth thinks this nickname is endearing or amusing?
At any rate, I have given this thing far more time and attention it deserves. On to more pressing matters: I have to wonder why I bought this thing in the first place. Was I such a sucker for a nice bare chest on the cover? It’s not even a nice chest, as the rib cage looks weird, like it is deformed or something. Clearly I need to build up my defenses against naughty images of male flesh. Now, where is that website that I have bookmarked, which has videos of all of Alexander Skarsgård’s near-nude and complete nude scenes in his entire acting career? If I watch those videos frequently and regularly enough, I bet I will build the fortitude to withstand all such temptations in the future!
