Main cast: Clayton Snyder (Mike), David Meadows (Chris), Daniel Washington (Jonesy), Scott Roe (Thorpe), and Larissa Andrade (Isabella)
Director: Jeremiah Jones
Now, I’ve reviewed my share of movies that were made on barely any budget, but Alien Warfare takes the prize for being the most “What the… what am I looking at?!” movie I’ve seen in a while.
I could live with the opening credit, which looks like it had been made on a free online banner generator, and the CGI that looks like they were ripped straight out of a Atari game, but I just can’t with Clayton Synder trying to emulate an excited man watching a boxing game only to instead emote his lines like a malfunctioning robot.
Look, I know, acting is a tough gig, and sometimes one has to star in abominations even their mothers couldn’t love, but it can’t be that bad for My Synder surely? Look, he was on The Lizzie McGuire Show, so instead of focusing too much on how he went from there to this, he should cherish the good memories of his time as Ethan Craft and how he’s going to back in that reunion series. It’s not that bad, surely!
This movie, however, is that bad.
On paper, it’s about a bunch of Navy SEALs sent to look into a mysterious incident at some research outpost, only to encounter aliens that may have hostile intentions.
In reality, however… well, look at this.
How could the bad guys on the right fail to see the gun pointed at them? The fellow holding the gun is clearly within their line of sight, and he’s not that far away.
My god, these “highly trained” people run around like dumb kids playing paintball!
The goat is really adorable, though. Perhaps it’s a good thing that this creature is a one-scene wonder, because it’s a natural scene-stealer.
Yes, that ramshackle tiny building is one where terrorists are holding some big shot politician and his family hostage. Then again, I suppose that building is all the people behind this show can afford to rent…
Everyone in this movie talks in slow motion, probably because instead of a fixed salary they are paid by the hour instead, so they are determined to milk the money as much as they can.
Even the action scenes are done in a geriatric pace, which is bizarre as these are young healthy-looking men moving and fighting like they are 90 and afraid to break a hip. Maybe the actors have no insurance and the producers inform them that band-aids are all they can afford should anyone among the crew sustain an injury.
Even the actors’ pallor collectively looks off. I don’t know, maybe this is because meals are not provided due to lack of budget.
I have no idea whether the story is good or bad, because everything about the story is overshadowed by dire acting, abysmal action scenes, unintentionally hilarious props and set pieces, and all around wretchedness.
Are the cast members coerced into filming this, or were they high or something?
More importantly, why even make and release this thing? Everyone involved in it must get off on being publicly humiliated—that has to be the only reason to explain the existence of this ghastly thing.
