Zebra Heartfire, $4.25, ISBN 0-8217-3644-2
Historical Romance, 1992

In Robin Gideon’s Wild Caress, our hero Jason Riley has a mission. You see, he’s an ex-soldier who is now a lawyer as well as casino owner—the author is not sparing any effort when it comes to dropping down the stereotypes—and he’s now bored of all the easy living and women-swiving afforded by his current easy and wealthy lifestyle. Therefore, he’ll personally check out Talia Vaughan, whose land is coveted by his client.

This is a romance novel from the early 1990s, a time when it’s practically a trope for the hero to spy on the heroine getting her clothes off because that’s a guaranteed way to tell the reader where the true appeal of the heroine is, so that’s exactly what happens here. Jason spies the topless Talia and realizes that there are two huge reasons to fall for her.

Naturally, this is good for our heroine, because Talia’s days as a living and breathing human being are clearly numbered had Jason not come along to deliver her from her woes. After all, her husband is dead, the ranch is sinking under a mountain of debts, and she’s not doing anything well to make the situation better aside from acting all determined to continue her path of futility.

Really, I don’t know what she is doing in that ranch, but I guess it doesn’t matter. What is important here is that the man is now here, so Talia is saved, hallelujah.

Because we can’t have a Western romance without bedside TLC, the hero is shot by his client’s brute, the brute mistaking him for Talia’s BFF, and Talia now has ample opportunities to tend to his wound.

Oh, did I say “tend to his wound”? More like him tending to her wound, if you know what I mean, because before I can blink twice, he’s demanding that she removes her shirt so that he can see the mountains from there. Then he’s pawing and… good lord, these people don’t waste any time going to second base! 

Okay, so the heroine is utterly useless in every other position aside from being on her back, but here’s the thing: the author wastes no time as well shoving the heroine into that role of being basically Jason’s pretty pee-pee pincushion. 

Sure, this isn’t particularly progressive even for a romance novel published in 1992, but this is not a bad thing at all as this means Talia has no opportunity to do stupid things that will only endanger everyone and my brain cells.

Instead, she spends the rest of the story getting a makeover by Jason’s molls with hearts of gold (he owns a casino staffed by hot women) so that she’d shed her tomboy look for a babe one—that is, when she’s not having loud and enthusiastic melodramatic orgasms complete with hilarious wailing, screaming, weeping, and exulting the glory of God for giving her a prime gold star penis without having to do anything to earn that prize.

No, really, Jason can keep going on and on that I eventually can’t decide whether such stamina will be, er, painful to a woman’s delicate bits or he is the best thing to ever happen to a penis-craving woman.

So yes, if you ask me to choose between an imbecile woman doing dumb things in the name of “girlboss supreme” nonsense and one that is content to stay out of trouble and just enjoy the pee-pee pincushion experience, I’d take the latter anytime, any day.

Jason makes for an appealing cardboard cutout hero, reminding me a bit of a protagonist of those Western action stories back in the old days. He’s a lover, of course, but he’s also a confident and capable action hero that drives much of the external conflicts here.

The action is somewhat camp and nonsensical, but there is a charm to the whole absurdity, and the pacing is also solid. Even the hilariously one-dimensional evil bad guys and their constant incompetence have their campy charm, making the whole story resemble some simplistic but still entertaining Western action piece without any stupid romance heroine antics stinking up the joint too much.

In the end, this story works as a frivolous fun Western romp so long as one isn’t expecting any sophisticated plot development or anything of that sort from it. Even the romance works, as the author is happy to go along with the fact that the useless heroine is better off just lying on her back and enjoying the ride. The over the top orgasmic reactions of the heroine in her considerable number of getting-shagged scenes only add to the charms of this story. 

File this one under: “Read it for fun, just don’t expect much else from it to avoid being disappointed!”